Good & Bad, and 3 Letdowns this week

The situation with N's parents has calmed down. He talked to them. No court. They wouldn't have won anyway because they don't have any rights, ha! Anyway- glad this situation is finally (hopefully!) at a standstill as of now, and they agreed to leave me alone.

I've been feeling weird lately. My meds were upped not this last Tuesday, but the one before that to 300mg Wellbutrin SR. I think it may be too much for me. I feel... bad. I kind of feel like I did before when I was on the lexapro & it stopped working. I have VERY low energy, I am exhausted, I have no appetite. It gets to the point where I forget to eat, and I get dizzy, lightheaded, and see spots, aka almost pass out. I literally forget to eat. NOTHING sounds good to eat except maybe a salad. We are out of lettuce & we have no spinach. I forced myself to eat today. I had a nutrigrain bar and a piece of caramel chocolate (SO healthy!), and some almonds and strawberries. I've been craving nuts lately. (Ha, ha!) I called my nurse psychiatrist and she said to call her tomorrow and let her know how I feel. I seriously do not want to eat... I am nautious when I don't eat, and nautious when I do eat, I can't win!

Another reason why I may be feeling shitting is because I was SO excited for my 1st physical therapy appointment, so I left, took the wrong freeway first of all, then put it into the GPS & then I ended up at someone's house. Yeah. So I called & I appologized and said there's no way I'd make it anytime soon and blah blah. I felt like shit, I started crying. I was SO excited to get my back feeling better, and I missed the appointment. It was my fault, so of course I beat myself up over it. So I got stressed, which of course led to more back pain, which made me beat myself up even more about missing the appointment, which.... on & on & on.

Car shopping. We were 95% sure we were buying a car. That fell thgough. The dealership was lying and at the last minute told us. We were pissed and I was sad. =( I just want this car shopping crap to be over with already. It's wearing me down, I'm so sick of it.

My parents. They were supposed to come up tonight to visit us & stay until Sunday. My Dad was going to help N fix our dryer since it's being crazy. (Another let down, I forgot that one!) Today I called my Mom, then she called me back later and was crying. I knew something was wrong obviously... their dog had another grand mal seizure. I feel so bad for the poor dog, he's been seen by the vet at least 10 times lately, and the poor guy is still having them. His liver levels are elevated. Something is wrong with his heart, so they cannot, well do not want to, operate. They are not sure what is causing the seizures. It could be MVD, a tumor, so many different things. I feel really bad and selfish for thinking this way, but I really wish my parents could come up here. I really need them right now. I don't think they know how stressed I am right now. I like to internalize that, and not burden everyone else with my stresses. They said they might come up tomorrow but I'm doubting it. I don't want to have yet another let down. I was really excited to shop with my Mom for stuff for DD's birthday party. I don't even want to shower today... but I am going to force myself to because I know I will feel better. I think I'm going to force myself to go to the store too, we'll see. I NEED to get out of the house. I hate winter, in the spring I would be walking and have the girls in the stroller around the block right now. I love the sun and fresh air and smell of freshly cut grass.

You know, insurances should cover weekend vacations once a year. It would reduce stress, aka reduce the money they spend on pills, doctor visits, heart attacks from stress, back pain, etc. etc. etc. I can dream, right?!

Ahhh deep breath! I want to go somewhere with the girls tomorrow. I NEED to get out of here and do something fun!!!


I've been freaking out about YDD's birthday too. She's going to be ONE. ONE!!! MY BABY IS GOING TO BE ONE!!!!!! Where the hell did time go? Last night I stayed up and cried... I was sad I'm not over PPD by now, and I was sad my baby is getting older. I watched her birth video and cried. It made me feel better to re-live those amazing moments with my tiny little angel. It seems like just yesterday I had her. I don't want her to grow up & get bigger, I want her to stay my tiny little peanut so I can soak in every moment. I have this mindset that I need to remember EVERYTHING and if I don't I'm going to freak out. I worry that I haven't taken enough videos or pictures of the girls, or that I may forget important moments with them. I just feel like time is flying by me and I want to scream STOP! so I can take everything in.

On top of this, recently I've been kind of upset that my friends haven't reached out to me more. Call me, email me, ask how I am doing. Ask how I am feeling. CALL, even if I don't answer leave a message saying you're wondering how I am or anything! I just feel like sometimes no one cares or wants to know.

I hate when I have days like this and just cry. This is the first time in a long time that I've felt this way. I thought I was getting better, why do I feel like this? I hate bumps in the road, but no matter what in life there will be some.

ODD just came & asked if I was sad because I am crying. She gives me a big hug & says, "It's okay Mommy. It's okay. It's okay." and just hugged me. After we were done hugging she looks at me & says, "Not sad!?" with a smile on her face. I nodded and smiled. If only a hug and kiss could heal everything. I wish I had that innocent child mindset sometimes. I would LOVE for a kiss & a hug to fix what I am going through. I told her how much I lover her, she's such a sweetheart. I wish she didn't have to see me cry.