Message to a friend...

This is an email I wrote to one of my "friends" online. She's just like me. If we lived in the same town, we'd be best friends for sure. I was explaining to her how I felt when I first had PPD. I didn't want to think that I could have it. I didn't want to think I DID have it. I wanted it to go away... anyway here is the letter, I've come a long way since then. It's kind of a breath of fresh air to read this letter & then think of where I am now in my treatment. Things DID get better when I thought they wouldn't! I now DO have hope that this WILL go away! I have control over my emotions, and I AM getting through this PPD!

About the PPD, after I had K I had no PPD. After Sophie I was feeling sad because my family was 2 hours away, and I would cry in the shower a lot, sometimes I would go in the shower just so that I could cry without anyone seeing me! I thought it would pass, my Mom spent 2 weeks with me when Sophie was born which was great, I loved it. I got emotional when she left and I thought it would pass, but it didn't. I was SO happy with Sophie and adored her to pieces, I couldn't get enough of her! I would just watch her sleep and take hundreds of pictures of her, even when she was doing nothing lol (normal mom, right?!). I was just really sad, and I didn't know why. We live in a great house, we had tons of family support, we weren't having money problems, Nathan was helping out a ton, seriously nothing was wrong for me to be sad, that's when I knew it was PPD. I had NO reason to be sad, but I was and it was consistent. I didn't call my doctor until about May 08, and Sophie was born in Feb. 08, so about 3 months after having her. I didn't tell Nathan until then, I didn't want him to think he did anything wrong or I wasn't happy with him or something. He had no idea anything was wrong because I hid it so well. (Another thing with many Moms with PPD is that oftentimes they look very polished on the outside. Hair done, makeup, etc. They want to make it look like everything is okay. That was exactly me!) Nathan researched PPD and got a book called "The Postpartum Husband" and it was GREAT! It was written for a man, it says what their partner with PPD is feeling, how they can help, what they might be feeling, and how to deal with it and make things better. I also didn't want to burden anyone with my feelings. I felt like I was a huge inconvenience to people for some odd reason. I didn't call my friends as much either. I felt REALLY guilty if I left Sophie to go out with my friends or grocery shopping... anything! Just leaving her for any amount of time I felt guilty for it. I constantly worried about being a good Mom. I constantly was trying to be super mom, and in my head I was thinking that a super perfect mom/wife/friend/daughter/sister/etc. was possible, and I was constantly beating myself up for not being 'perfect' enough. I never wanted to think that I would have PPD, I think I was in denial for awhile. I was passing it off as baby blues and I was waiting for it to pass, but then I realized it wasn't. It took SO much courage to call my OB (hardest call/conversation I've ever had!), my heart was beating so fast & I ended up crying on the phone to the nurse. She got me an appointment the same day I called. I walked in and when the nurse called my name to go in the room I started BALLING my eyes out! I was SO embarrassed for having PPD. They assured me it was nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. My OB was SO SO nice, she sat with me for a long time & asked how I was feeling, if I felt like hurting myself or baby, and I never had those thoughts thank god! If anything I think I was super attached to Sophie, I was always holding her or taking pics of her or playing with her & Kaelei, and if I wasn't I felt like I was being a bad Mom. I felt like I didn't deserve to go out with my friends, I thought that if I did I was being a "bad" Mom. My OB told me "You don't run a car on empty, and you do NOT run a Mom on empty!" and those words obviously stuck with me. I wasn't taking time for myself so I was extremely overwhelmed and never really got a break. I had Nathan to help and he helps a TON, but my guilt was holding me back from 'recharging' myself. I didn't nap or take ME time. My OB said that I needed to take time to myself everyday, she said start with 15 minutes. She said relax, do what relaxes me, read a book or magazine, exercise, nap, yoga, whatever. I started doing that and felt much better. At first I felt guilty for taking ME time, Nathan had to force me to take my ME time lol! Then I felt better, even that little time to myself made me happy and gave me a sense of my old self, happy and lively and fun and outgoing. I learned to not feel guilty taking time to myself, and when I went out with friends I felt so much better coming home to the girls, I was refreshed and ready to hug and kiss and cuddle them the rest of the day. I think at times I felt like I lost myself, and taking time for myself really made me feel like myself again. I got in touch with things I used to do, read a lot, scrapbooked which I had been putting off, oops! You know kids grow up SO fast, and I felt guilty missing a minute of their life. I felt like I had to be with them 24/7 because I didn't want to miss ANYTHING, and that was overwhelming! Oh I had SUCH a lack of motivation too. I was putting off assignments until the last minute which is not like me, I love doing my assignments early and getting ahead. I also felt very anxious when Nathan wasn't home with me. I wanted to be with him ALL the time. I felt SO much better when Nathan was around me. I guess that's very common with PPD too, never wanting to be alone. I kind of felt like he was my good half, he was my strength and courage and I needed him around me all the time to feel good. I felt like everything in my life was near perfect, EXCEPT my PPD which came out of nowhere! My OB put me on lexapro and that helped a ton! It stopped working for me though (I guess it's common with lexapro) and she switched me to Wellbutrin. They both were safe for nursing, that was my huge concern. I was NOT going to give up nursing, because that made me feel like a great Mom even when I felt down on myself. Right now I'm seeing a PPD counselor and she is wonderful! She had PPD with her last child, and she knows the feelings. I had 2 counselors before her, and they did not know anything about PPD, it was like talking to a brick wall- it was terrible! PPD is frustrating to me, because I don't know why I have it. Many women who have had difficult pregnancies, or miscarriages, or no support etc. have a higher chance of having PPD, so I didn't get why I had it. Kaelei's pregnancy was harder than Sophie's, and I didn't have PPD after Kaelei. I was trying to figure out why I had it, and my OB said some women get it, some don't. There may not be a real reason. I was driving myself nuts thinking of something that would have made me get PPD, but I was just one of the lucky (HA!) ones lol. I guess it's estimated that about 20% of Moms have PPD, I was shocked it was that high! I wish more people would talk about it because I feel so alone. So many Moms feel alone & don't talk about it because they're afraid people will think they are crazy. I don't tell people I have it! Only my immediate family & Nathan's Mom, Dad, and sisters know. I think of the whole Tom Cruise thing... it's like, Tom did you birth a baby and have your hormones go from high to low in a matter of days? Didn't think so. Don't talk like you know what's best for a woman's body! lol! I read Brooke Shield's book "Down Came the Rain" and it's really good. She had PPD pretty bad though. I don't know anyone that feels exactly the way I do except my PPD counselor.

From writing all of that, I've come a long way though, that's a good thing! I don't cry for no reason anymore, I'm happy, call my friends, talk in depth to Nathan, I take time for myself, I don't feel guilty now, things are MUCH better. I'm so glad I got help, I'm sure I would have been extremely sad and depressed if I didn't get help. Thanks for listening to me! It's so awkward to ask people about PPD! I don't know anyone in person besides my counselor who had it. I'm working on getting a support system here for me since my family is 2 hours away. My counselor is helping with that. I want to find a group of young moms that I can relate to around me! Hopefully I will soon.

Okay sorry I wrote a book, and it's probably all over the place, lol! Thanks for listening.