Monday's Appointment

I have so many appointments lately, it's been busy! My back pain is becoming unbearable. It's seriously taking over my life in a sense. I cannot do anything comfortably. I cannot hold S without twitching like crazy and bending, and then I have to put her down. My little S is a Mama's girl! If I am in the room with her, she HAS to be held by me... it's sweet, but at the same time I don't get much done. So, I finally got up the courage to call a physical therapist. (With my anxiety, calling people I do not know is a huge step for me...) I have an appointment next Tuesday with a physical therapist. That's great, BUT I had to cancel my appointment with my counselor that I 'love'. My next appointment with my counselor is in February. A long time away, but I'll be alright. I finally have control over my sadness, I don't cry for no reason anymore and I do not take things to heart like I used to.

My appointment on Monday was with my nurse prescriber, aka psychologist. We upped my dose, now I am on 300mg Wellbutrin SR. I told her I feel MUCH better, but I still have a lack of motivation which I want to be back. I LOVE staying busy, I really do. It gives me something to look forward to. She wants me to call her in a week to tell her how I am doing, and my next appointment with her is in about a month, or sooner if my meds aren't agreeing with my body.

I am SO excited to start physical therapy. At the same time, I'm nervous because I don't want them to just teach me stretches. I hate that! Yes, I stretch at home now, and obviously it's not working. 2 Tylenol with codeines don't even take the pain away, and that stuff usually works for EVERY pain in my body! I've never had such terrible back pain in my life, it's really frusterating. I hope the PT does ultrasonic therapy on my back, I know that helps! I have electrodes that DH and I bought this summer, but that isn't helping either.

Did I mention my car took a shit? Yes, it's not working anymore. =( Guess what I'll bitch about next.... YES, you are probably right! N's parents. Now I can bring up:

1) If we knew they were going back on their word to N about the money, we would not have bought such a big house. N specifically asked his parents if they were going to continue their gifting money and they said YES.
2) If we knew they'd go back on their word, we would not have had such a big wedding. I would have had N chop half of his family off our list, since it was mainly a rabbit fest of his family anyway...
3) If we knew they'd go back on their word (aka LIE), we would not be this stressed. That's the biggest one.

I feel so bad for N, he's SO stressed about money. Now on top of everything else, we have to buy a new car. I thought it would last at least until May, but then again what the hell do I know about cars? Nada. The other issue is that N's vehicle is leased through work, and we have a limit of 45,000 miles. We are at 43,000 right now, until May. So, yes, we are stressed with the car stuff. It's just another thing that makes the situation with his parents come up again. They don't even realize what they are doing to N. They have NO idea how stressed he is because of this shit. They basically shit money, they don't know how hard it is for N right now. He's the sole income in our house, and it doesn't make sense for me to work, we'd have to pay day care costs which would be more or equal to what I'd make. On top of all of that, I am going to college, and that's a HUGE priority for me. N got to finish his college degree and I deserve to finish mine. If there's one thing to be selfish about, I think it's my education. If something ever happened to N, I'd have my degree as a back up. I hate even saying 'if something happens to N" because I don't ever want to think something would happen to him. One good thing is that he has life insurance, so at least right away we wouldn't be fucked in the asshole with bills and a mortgage payment. But away from those sad scenarios, if N ever got hurt where he couldn't work, I need to be able to bring money in. I've ALWAYS wanted to get my degree, and I am working SO hard for it. I'm not going to stop midway now. I believe that just because you are a young Mom, that doesn't mean you shouldn't get an education. (IF that's what you wanted to do before kids. If not, that's great! Your choice.) So, school is another cost. I remember when N's Mom would say to me "We are going to get you through college, we will help you." HAAAA! Right. I cannot believe a word that comes out of their mouths. The most important things that they've said to N & I, they went back on. WTF does that say about them?!

I feel like I always complain about them & the situation. I do, because the more I talk about it here & get my feelings out, the less I talk about it with N. I know N can't do anything about it, so I hate to keep bringing it up. I do need a place to vent my feelings about that though so I can clear my mind once I type everything out. It's refreshing. Speaking about refreshing, I LOVE chilled diet Mt. Dew. YUM! Speaking of diet, I am going on a diet. Well not really a diet diet, but I was eating a lot of chocolate before, and I'm going to watch what I eat. I was 111 pounds and I've gained a little bit. I wanna get back down though... I have more confidence when my weight is down.

Baby talk! N and I of course want a 3rd baby, but not soon. Maybe in about 2 years, that would be perfect. I'd be getting my degree, and S will be 3, and they will have good spacing between them. I can't wait to paint a nursery, lol! I LOVE decorating kid's rooms. I'd love to be a baby room designer, that'd be such an amazing, exciting, great job! New designs all the time, something new all the time- it'd be great. For now I guess I have to stick to my own house to decorate. Wait, we have no money for decorating... Scratch that. =\