Long Awaited Update!

It's been a VERY long time since I last updated. I am extremely proud to say I am doing very very very well!

Things with the in-laws have calmed down. They've backed off, and I am SO happy they did. I can actually wake up feeling fresh, awake, happy, and excited to start my new day without anxiety.

I've been on Effexor 75 mg. for a bit now. I LOVE it. I was nervous to try it, but I am so grateful that I did. What an amazing antidepressant, lol! My anxiety is so much better, I am so happy. I have motivation, I am excited, I do things alone, I am myself again. What an amazing place I am at right now! I am so proud of myself, and it has taken me so much time to say that, and I am SO damn proud!!! I feel like I've climbed a mountain and I should yell, "I DID IT WORLD, I FOUGHT MY PPD! I WON MY BATTLE!!!"

I had an appointment today with my nurse prescriber. She said since the 75 mg. is working so well for me, there's no need to increase. I am happy about that, and I am happy that I am able to get out and do things and not worry or think that everyone is looking at me and critisizing me. I feel free. I feel like I can finally spread my wings and fly... what a feeling!

My PPD counselor is amazing. I have an amazing support staff working on me, I am lucky that I found such a great therapist. She's helping me set up my very own support system of friends, particularly Moms, and young Moms, that I can relate to. I am so excited to meet new Moms to make friends with.

That's all for now, I guess! There's not much going on. I am very busy with the kids & school, and my life is pretty drama free right now and I am extremely happy about that. I've been exercising and doing fun things like playing outside with the kids, planting flowers, etc. and it's great. I love it. I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee it!

Good & Bad, and 3 Letdowns this week

The situation with N's parents has calmed down. He talked to them. No court. They wouldn't have won anyway because they don't have any rights, ha! Anyway- glad this situation is finally (hopefully!) at a standstill as of now, and they agreed to leave me alone.

I've been feeling weird lately. My meds were upped not this last Tuesday, but the one before that to 300mg Wellbutrin SR. I think it may be too much for me. I feel... bad. I kind of feel like I did before when I was on the lexapro & it stopped working. I have VERY low energy, I am exhausted, I have no appetite. It gets to the point where I forget to eat, and I get dizzy, lightheaded, and see spots, aka almost pass out. I literally forget to eat. NOTHING sounds good to eat except maybe a salad. We are out of lettuce & we have no spinach. I forced myself to eat today. I had a nutrigrain bar and a piece of caramel chocolate (SO healthy!), and some almonds and strawberries. I've been craving nuts lately. (Ha, ha!) I called my nurse psychiatrist and she said to call her tomorrow and let her know how I feel. I seriously do not want to eat... I am nautious when I don't eat, and nautious when I do eat, I can't win!

Another reason why I may be feeling shitting is because I was SO excited for my 1st physical therapy appointment, so I left, took the wrong freeway first of all, then put it into the GPS & then I ended up at someone's house. Yeah. So I called & I appologized and said there's no way I'd make it anytime soon and blah blah. I felt like shit, I started crying. I was SO excited to get my back feeling better, and I missed the appointment. It was my fault, so of course I beat myself up over it. So I got stressed, which of course led to more back pain, which made me beat myself up even more about missing the appointment, which.... on & on & on.

Car shopping. We were 95% sure we were buying a car. That fell thgough. The dealership was lying and at the last minute told us. We were pissed and I was sad. =( I just want this car shopping crap to be over with already. It's wearing me down, I'm so sick of it.

My parents. They were supposed to come up tonight to visit us & stay until Sunday. My Dad was going to help N fix our dryer since it's being crazy. (Another let down, I forgot that one!) Today I called my Mom, then she called me back later and was crying. I knew something was wrong obviously... their dog had another grand mal seizure. I feel so bad for the poor dog, he's been seen by the vet at least 10 times lately, and the poor guy is still having them. His liver levels are elevated. Something is wrong with his heart, so they cannot, well do not want to, operate. They are not sure what is causing the seizures. It could be MVD, a tumor, so many different things. I feel really bad and selfish for thinking this way, but I really wish my parents could come up here. I really need them right now. I don't think they know how stressed I am right now. I like to internalize that, and not burden everyone else with my stresses. They said they might come up tomorrow but I'm doubting it. I don't want to have yet another let down. I was really excited to shop with my Mom for stuff for DD's birthday party. I don't even want to shower today... but I am going to force myself to because I know I will feel better. I think I'm going to force myself to go to the store too, we'll see. I NEED to get out of the house. I hate winter, in the spring I would be walking and have the girls in the stroller around the block right now. I love the sun and fresh air and smell of freshly cut grass.

You know, insurances should cover weekend vacations once a year. It would reduce stress, aka reduce the money they spend on pills, doctor visits, heart attacks from stress, back pain, etc. etc. etc. I can dream, right?!

Ahhh deep breath! I want to go somewhere with the girls tomorrow. I NEED to get out of here and do something fun!!!


I've been freaking out about YDD's birthday too. She's going to be ONE. ONE!!! MY BABY IS GOING TO BE ONE!!!!!! Where the hell did time go? Last night I stayed up and cried... I was sad I'm not over PPD by now, and I was sad my baby is getting older. I watched her birth video and cried. It made me feel better to re-live those amazing moments with my tiny little angel. It seems like just yesterday I had her. I don't want her to grow up & get bigger, I want her to stay my tiny little peanut so I can soak in every moment. I have this mindset that I need to remember EVERYTHING and if I don't I'm going to freak out. I worry that I haven't taken enough videos or pictures of the girls, or that I may forget important moments with them. I just feel like time is flying by me and I want to scream STOP! so I can take everything in.

On top of this, recently I've been kind of upset that my friends haven't reached out to me more. Call me, email me, ask how I am doing. Ask how I am feeling. CALL, even if I don't answer leave a message saying you're wondering how I am or anything! I just feel like sometimes no one cares or wants to know.

I hate when I have days like this and just cry. This is the first time in a long time that I've felt this way. I thought I was getting better, why do I feel like this? I hate bumps in the road, but no matter what in life there will be some.

ODD just came & asked if I was sad because I am crying. She gives me a big hug & says, "It's okay Mommy. It's okay. It's okay." and just hugged me. After we were done hugging she looks at me & says, "Not sad!?" with a smile on her face. I nodded and smiled. If only a hug and kiss could heal everything. I wish I had that innocent child mindset sometimes. I would LOVE for a kiss & a hug to fix what I am going through. I told her how much I lover her, she's such a sweetheart. I wish she didn't have to see me cry.

Hello, 2009!

I feel like I have a fresh start with the New Year. I'm feeling better with my PPD, yay! It's been SO long since I have been able to say that! Now, hopefully those feelings will stay positive.

I got my period. Great. I haven't had it in about 2 years, and I finally got it. Damn thing had me craving chocolate like it was going extinct! I'm pretty sure my hormones are working wonders, and that is why I got my period of course, but I think that is also why I am feeling better. Now, onto better and bigger things...

New Years Resolutions:

1. Beat my battle against PPD and be free of anti-depressant medications. Hard, yes. Do-able? Yes!
2. Eat healthier (starting in February once I digest all the chocolate in my house.)
3. Spend less time on the damn internet.
4. Be more creative during play time with my girls.
5. Make new friends IN PERSON. I hardly get out... so it's hard!
6. Plan more alone time for Nathan & I.
7. Plan/Go on a vacation.
8. Volunteer somewhere.
9. Buy less crap from Target. Seriousssslllllyyyyyy.
10. Get straight A's... 4.0!

That's a nice list with a variety of things that I know I can accomplish if I put my mind to it. Now... I gotta put my mind to it..!

Nathan & I rang in the New Year with our girls. We stayed home, watched the ball drop, he drank champagne, I drank sparkling grape juice because I pretty much hate alcohol. We drank from our wedding flutes, it was great! I loved it! I fell asleep on the couch with N downstairs and I guess he tried to wake me up but I was like a bear waking from hibernation wanting food... aka don't fucking wake me up when I'm sleeping. =) I love him!


I'm kinda freaking out that my little princess is almost 1! It seems like I just had her yesterday.... I think I'm in denial. My baby isn't 11 months old. No. No. NO! ='(

10,000 Pounds Off My Shoulders

Wow! The my birthday and Christmas flew by so fast! I finally have a chance to post now that I am home and back into the swing of things. The girls are back to their routine which is always good.

The holidays went GREAT! I can't believe I am saying that! They went so smooth & awesome, everything worked out lovely. I was SO anxious on Christmas Eve when Nathan was at his parents house, but I kept busy and I had a great time seeing Christmas lights & spending time with my family, and of course shopping. The one thing that was a little awkward was when Nathan was at his parents house for Christmas Eve, Nathan was saying his good-byes to his family... and his dad disappeared. He didn't say bye, didn't call, didn't text... nothing. I think this is extremely shitty... why the hell wouldn't you say good-bye to your son on Christmas Eve?! They haven't talked since then. It just is not fair to Nathan. He didn't do anything wrong and he's in the middle of all of this. I guess it just proves my point even more... that is the type of people they are. Oh well... I guess. Can't change them!

Now that Christmas is over I feel a huge sense of relief! I am SO glad it went smoothly and there were not fights. No blow ups, I can't believe it! I kind of am still waiting for some sort of aftermath of it all. Well, at least they didn't ruin our Christmas! I feel like 10,000 pounds have just been lifted off of my shoulders, and that feels so refreshing.

A little before Christmas my Dr. and I upped my dose of Wellbutrin SR to 200mg. I think this may be the right dose for me! It's hard to tell though, because now the holiday stress is gone, so it could be that or the increase in dose, or both. I can't really describe how I feel right now. Happy, excited, relief, refreshed, I can't remember the last time I felt those feelings. It helps that the girls got a crapload of new toys too... I am having so much fun playing with their new toys with them, and reading their new books, it's all so much fun. I'd rather give them stuff than buy stuff for myself, because when they get new things I get excited too. Something about that childhood innocent excitement and fun... I just love it!

A little drawback- I feel like my muscle relaxers are doing nothing for me. At first I only took one a day, then two a day, and now I'm going to try three a day. I hope they work for me, my back pain is rediculous!

I really hope these feelings stay. I'm feeling so good right now. No drama, no worries, no holiday stress. It's peaceful and calm, just how I like it!

Get Over It.... (WTF?!)

If there is one thing that I wish people could understand, I would want them to feel how I feel. Not forever, maybe just a day or two. No one really knows what PPD or anxiety is like unless you have felt it yourself. I wish I had more people that I could relate to with the PPD. I have good days and bad days, and sometimes it's a struggle just to get out of bed in the morning. That has gotten better though.

If it were as easy as "getting over it" I definitely would have by now. I hate feeling so shitty. If I could "snap out of it" I would in a second! No one would want to feel so alone and depressed all the time. I wish I could take a magic cure all pill, too bad one doesn't exist. I'm so sick of dealing with this PPD. I thought I'd be better by now. I KNOW I would have, if it wasn't for the situation with N's parents. I know it. They bring along so much stress. I wish we lived in a different state than them, that would make things a lot easier!

So... yesterday someone said to me (We were talking about something that I reminded this person to do a long time ago, and they said they would.):
"You could have called!" {aka putting the blame on me, after I reminded them more than a couple times to call and they said THEY would.} Okay... well let's see here. Did you forget I have PPD and anxiety? Did you forget I especially have anxiety about talking to people I don't know, even on the phone? VERY insensitive. It's crazy how I can go from feeling very supported to no support in an instant. This is exactly when I wish someone could feel how I feel. Words can be so hurtful. That is like saying "Stop having cancer!" to someone with cancer. It's basically saying "Stop having anxiety! Suck it up! Just call, just do it!" So yet another person has no idea how I feel. I feel even more alone and misunderstood. Calling people I don't know is like climbing a mountain. I know it's a little task, but with my anxiety it's hard! I get anxious and nervous. It took me over a month to call about a wrong charge on my credit card, because I was so anxious. Finally I had a really 'good' day and I called the CC company.

I feel like I am complaining alllll the time. Last night I cried. I just want to shake someone & be like "GET IT! I HAVE PPD! FEEL HOW I FEEL!" but of course that's impossible. I wish that people would be able to get inside my brain & feel what I feel. Depression & PPD is an illness, just like cancer or whatever else, it can literally take over your life. I won't let it, but sometimes it feels like no one will ever understand. It's hard to feel better when no one understands you.

If I could just shake these feelings off, believe me, I would.



Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm not excited. I actually wish I could just skip to Christmas morning to watch the girls open their presents. N works on my bday & then has to drive 2 hours to see me, and it's supposed to snow. So, I'm guessing I won't even see my husband on my birthday. Throw that on top of PPD & now you have a mess... me... a mess. A mess on my birthday. Let's just skip it, okay? How about I sleep all day on my birthday and pretend it's not my birthday. I'll play hooky to my birthday.

I'm also still extremely nervous that N's Mom is going to ruin his Christmas and N's Christmas with my family and the girls and I. I have a really bad feeling... everytime I think about it I feel sick. My Mom says, "Don't let that ruin your Christmas". I can say that and hope that, but bottom line is that she could put N in a shitty mood, making Christmas awkward for us. Who knows what she's going to say to N. She's said some extremely mean things to her son and I before, what would stop her this time?

All I want for Christmas is a happy happy day! =)

Stress Stress & more Stress...

My thoughts are racing. Since I woke up this morning I've been rush rush rushed....

I wish that registering for classes wasn't so difficult. I finally paid my tuition from fall 08 semester, so I was able to register for courses, although since I am wanting online courses, I need to get permission from the instructor, then send it to two other people, and then wait a little while so I can actually register for the class. Pain in the ass, seriously. On top of that, I have to find out if they even count for my major. Since I have transferred credits, some of them may not count, so back to square one if that happens. With technology these days, I cannot believe how difficult it is to register for courses that you NEED. Anyway, I found three classes that I THINK will work toward my major. I have to email my adviser to see for sure though.

Last night I saw my nurse prescriber. (She basically a psychiatrist, without the fancy name and a few less qualifications.) I told her how I was prescribed Flexeril for my muscle and back pain. I thought I was only supposed to take it as needed, but she said take it once a day. On the bottle it says take 2-3 times daily. Hmm... okay. I am taking it once a day right now. Lately I've been sleeping better which is good. Tea at night helps, and N is good about making it for me. =) The nurse also asked how Thanksgiving went. I told her it went really well, it was peaceful and calm. I was sad my parents and family weren't there, but it was nice and peaceful nontheless. She asked how Christmas is going to go, and I told her. My birthday is the 23rd, N works that day so he is going to come down as soon as he gets off work. Celebrate my bday, then Christmas Eve he'll spend working and then with his family. Christmas Eve night (at the latest, 10 p.m.) he is going to leave to come by my parent's house. He wants to see the girls wake up with their presents, it's going to be SO much fun! Anyway, I am SO worried that N's Mom is going to ruin his Christmas. I have a really bad feeling that she is going to make him feel guilty or cry or blow up or something. It's happened before, so it's not like I am imagining it happening! It happened 2 Christmases ago. She has a hard time letting go of him. He has his own family now and when that happens priorities change. It's hard for parents to accept that, but it's not right to make N feel bad. He does NOT deserve that. Everything that his parents have done so far has hurt N more than anyone else. If they think they are "punishing" or hurting me, they are wrong. Most of all, this affects N. I feel so bad that he is in the middle of this. Most of all, I feel bad that his Mom is such a bitch. There. I said it. It feels good to get that out. I of course would never say that to her, but that is my opinion of her. I can't believe his parents haven't said sorry to him. Gosh that makes me SO much more mad! His parents STILL don't realize what they've done. It's so clear... clear as glass. She better not ruin his Christmas. I will be SOOOOOOOOO pissed! He said if something happens he's going to leave. He said he "won't put up with that." and I was so happy to hear him say that. He KNOWS he is more than fully welcome by my parents and family.
All in all, we increased my Wellbutrin to 200mg. I always say, "I can always go down, but I think I could feel better, so I want to try an increase." I haven't started it yet, I will tomorrow. As of now, I think the muscle relaxers are working. I feel so monotone, if that makes sense.

Okay onto bigger and better things! Highlight of my day yesterday: Me teaching Kaelei to 'booty dance'. Did I mention she was running around dancing nakey? It was SO adorable I almost died laughing so hard. It was the cutest thing! Also, dancing with Sophie was a blast. =)

Today my friend D was supposed to come up but the roads were bad. I was looking forward to it, but oh well. Saturday! It'll give me Saturday to look forward to.

Like I said above, I feel so monotone. My mind is racing trying to do 10 things at once. I'm not happy, not sad, not excited, just blah. Gotta get this done. Gotta do that. Have to do this before this, and that before that, make sure to order presents online, make sure to email professors, make sure to clean, feed the girls, change diapers, clean office closet, on and on and on.... I wonder if this is the muscle relaxers...? Hmm. My body does feel relaxed. I could probably sleep now if I laid down. If only ODD would nap with me....

SO... This is it!

I am starting this blog because I have been struggling with postpartum depression for about 8 months now. I have tried many things to help. Some have, some haven't, some did for awhile, then stopped working. I realized that if I am going to get better, I have to discuss my emotions. Not only with others, but myself. I need to take time to think about where my emotions are coming from. I need to document how I am feeling, so that I can notice differences in my emotions and life. This is my journey, and I'm going to get through postparum depression damnit! I AM!

Here's a little introduction:

I am 21 years old, I will be 22 in less than 2 weeks. I am married to the most amazing man on this planet, and I truly mean that. I couldn't dream up a more amazing person than my husband. I am so thankful and lucky to be with him, he's my strong half- and I need him to be strong more than ever right now. I have two daughters, the oldest is a little over 2, and the youngest is 10 months. They are the light of my lives, they are the sweetest little girls. We spoil them shitless. They are so so loved, I could just hug them forever, if they'd let me! :)

In the past 3 years, I have (in random order):

quit my job that i loved, am a full time University student, gone on 4 vacations, been pregnant twice, nursed both of my girls, Got engaged, got married (LOTS of wedding drama!), lost my last living grandparent- my Grandpa, got into a minor car accident, moved 2 hours away from my family and friends to be with my husband- then moved again, and again finally into our own house. I used to have a good relationship with my mother and father in-law, however that no longer exists. I have been on more than 5 different medications, and with my first pregnancy I had a toxoplasmosis scare. Everything turned out fine, I was one of the lucky few who gets a false positive. I never had it!

Wow, looking at all of that, in 3 years, it's a lot. It's almost as if I was moving lightning fast speed, and now I am at a sudden hault.

I plan on tracking my journey. The good, the bad, the ugly. I want to be real in this blog. I have another blog where I don't talk about PPD, because there's still such a social stigma to people who are too ignorant to learn and research PPD. People judge, they do... and that is why I do not talk about it on my other blog. Maybe some day I will have the courage, but definitely not today.

Currently, I have seen two counselors for my PPD. They both didn't work out for me. I felt that they both did not understand postpartum depression. We talked more about the situation with my in-laws than we did about making MYSELF feel better. I'm sorry, but my first priority is getting MYSELF to feel better first, because I need to be a good mother, wife, and person before I tackle other people and their issues. I first started seeing my OB for PPD. She put me on Lexapro 10mg. Then I was upped to 20mg. Then, I saw her and was put on wellbutrin 150mg XL, and I got back pain and couldn't sleep at night. She told me to go off of it, so I did. I wasn't even on it two weeks yet. Then, I called a nurse prescriber who is basically a psychiatrist. She told me to go off of the lexapro (COLD TURKEY!) and start Wellbutrin SR 75mg. So, I did. I have sever lexapro withdrawls for over a week. I experienced vertigo, electrical zaps throughout my body, and I was dizzy and out of it. It was terrible, but I stuck through it. It thankfully was gone in less than 2 weeks. The wellbutrin wasn't working all that great, so we increased to Wellbutrin SR 100mg. Well, I was on that for about 3-4 weeks and that was working okay. I decided I was going to increase again, because I wanted to see if I could feel even more better. Well, here I am now on Wellbutrin SR 150mg. It's hard for me to tell how I am feeling. That is why I started this blog, because my memory sucks and I need to keep records and I hope that people will find my blog helpful in one way or another. I hope people can relate to me in some way, so they know they are not the only one going through this terrible thing called PPD. I am also on 5mg ativan for anxiety, as needed. I've only taken it twice so far... it makes me sleepy and somewhat relaxed. I was also prescribed a muscle relaxer for my back, and I have not taken that yet. I'm afraid because I've heard it can make you SO tired in as little as 10 minutes! Oh, I almost forgot I am on tylenol with codeine as well. I take that for my migraines, when I get them. I have struggled with migraines since I was very young.

Feel free to leave me any comments/suggestions or anything you thing I or someone else could benefit from. Please post your blog too... I love reading others!

Most of all right now I need to stay positive. I will get through this. I am a strong person and I do not want this to get in the way of my entire life. I want to conquer it, beat it to hell, and kiss it's ass goodbye!

Thanks for reading!

PPDMommy