SO... This is it!

I am starting this blog because I have been struggling with postpartum depression for about 8 months now. I have tried many things to help. Some have, some haven't, some did for awhile, then stopped working. I realized that if I am going to get better, I have to discuss my emotions. Not only with others, but myself. I need to take time to think about where my emotions are coming from. I need to document how I am feeling, so that I can notice differences in my emotions and life. This is my journey, and I'm going to get through postparum depression damnit! I AM!

Here's a little introduction:

I am 21 years old, I will be 22 in less than 2 weeks. I am married to the most amazing man on this planet, and I truly mean that. I couldn't dream up a more amazing person than my husband. I am so thankful and lucky to be with him, he's my strong half- and I need him to be strong more than ever right now. I have two daughters, the oldest is a little over 2, and the youngest is 10 months. They are the light of my lives, they are the sweetest little girls. We spoil them shitless. They are so so loved, I could just hug them forever, if they'd let me! :)

In the past 3 years, I have (in random order):

quit my job that i loved, am a full time University student, gone on 4 vacations, been pregnant twice, nursed both of my girls, Got engaged, got married (LOTS of wedding drama!), lost my last living grandparent- my Grandpa, got into a minor car accident, moved 2 hours away from my family and friends to be with my husband- then moved again, and again finally into our own house. I used to have a good relationship with my mother and father in-law, however that no longer exists. I have been on more than 5 different medications, and with my first pregnancy I had a toxoplasmosis scare. Everything turned out fine, I was one of the lucky few who gets a false positive. I never had it!

Wow, looking at all of that, in 3 years, it's a lot. It's almost as if I was moving lightning fast speed, and now I am at a sudden hault.

I plan on tracking my journey. The good, the bad, the ugly. I want to be real in this blog. I have another blog where I don't talk about PPD, because there's still such a social stigma to people who are too ignorant to learn and research PPD. People judge, they do... and that is why I do not talk about it on my other blog. Maybe some day I will have the courage, but definitely not today.

Currently, I have seen two counselors for my PPD. They both didn't work out for me. I felt that they both did not understand postpartum depression. We talked more about the situation with my in-laws than we did about making MYSELF feel better. I'm sorry, but my first priority is getting MYSELF to feel better first, because I need to be a good mother, wife, and person before I tackle other people and their issues. I first started seeing my OB for PPD. She put me on Lexapro 10mg. Then I was upped to 20mg. Then, I saw her and was put on wellbutrin 150mg XL, and I got back pain and couldn't sleep at night. She told me to go off of it, so I did. I wasn't even on it two weeks yet. Then, I called a nurse prescriber who is basically a psychiatrist. She told me to go off of the lexapro (COLD TURKEY!) and start Wellbutrin SR 75mg. So, I did. I have sever lexapro withdrawls for over a week. I experienced vertigo, electrical zaps throughout my body, and I was dizzy and out of it. It was terrible, but I stuck through it. It thankfully was gone in less than 2 weeks. The wellbutrin wasn't working all that great, so we increased to Wellbutrin SR 100mg. Well, I was on that for about 3-4 weeks and that was working okay. I decided I was going to increase again, because I wanted to see if I could feel even more better. Well, here I am now on Wellbutrin SR 150mg. It's hard for me to tell how I am feeling. That is why I started this blog, because my memory sucks and I need to keep records and I hope that people will find my blog helpful in one way or another. I hope people can relate to me in some way, so they know they are not the only one going through this terrible thing called PPD. I am also on 5mg ativan for anxiety, as needed. I've only taken it twice so far... it makes me sleepy and somewhat relaxed. I was also prescribed a muscle relaxer for my back, and I have not taken that yet. I'm afraid because I've heard it can make you SO tired in as little as 10 minutes! Oh, I almost forgot I am on tylenol with codeine as well. I take that for my migraines, when I get them. I have struggled with migraines since I was very young.

Feel free to leave me any comments/suggestions or anything you thing I or someone else could benefit from. Please post your blog too... I love reading others!

Most of all right now I need to stay positive. I will get through this. I am a strong person and I do not want this to get in the way of my entire life. I want to conquer it, beat it to hell, and kiss it's ass goodbye!

Thanks for reading!

PPDMommy