Creeping back...

ARG! WHY?!

I was feeling so good at the beginning of this pregnancy, and now my anxiety has taken a toll on me, yet again. I am getting feelings of not being happy again, but I should be! Sure, I'm stressed, what Mom isn't?! I need an easy button or a magic 8 ball to say all of the right things- and mean it!

I feel like I need to take a pill to fix everything, imbalance wise. Something isn't right, I am not myself. I'm not happy, and I can't figure out why. Sure, the situation with N's parents is shitty. His Mom has written a couple more emails to me & him and blamed him for this situation, and keeps saying "it needs to be put in the past". No lady. You don't just START trusting someone right away again, trust is earned, rightfully so. Not to mention, she has fucked up WAY too many times to have this blow over this easily. I've been doing well with this situation. It helps that she keeps fucking up, it gives me a reason and right to say, "Told ya so!". She still can respect boundaries and is still emailing her daughters about the situation, which is against the counseling rules that N and his parents set up with the counselor. It blows my mind how stupid a person can be in the sense of people skills. I've been doing very well with that situation though, I roll things of my back and let her do her nasty work because she keeps kicking herself down and I am not even doing ANYTHING. It's comical really...

Anyway, my anxiety is high. Why?! I have no idea! I meet new people and I FREAK out. I used to be SO outgoing and not shy, and how the hell have I become this?! I am shy and shaky and not sure of myself. My confidence is low. Sure I have my bursts of good confident days, but I don't know what to do.

I don't want to just take pills while pregnant, I feel GUILTY about that! I am trying to get through this and hope it's hormones, but I just don't even know anymore. Hormones from the pregnancy or PPD or anxiety or stress or ______? It's a catch 22. If I take pills that a doctor okays me to take while pregnant, I feel guilty. If I don't take them, I feel like shit/anxious and I don't know what the right choice is. I don't know what to do. Could this be prenatal depression?! God, I hope not. This is our last baby and damnit I want to be happy. I AM happy but something in me is holding me back from myself. It's like my happiness is candy dangled in front of my nose, just teasing me and reminding me of what it used to be like as my happy good old self.

I don't know what to do... and that is the worst part of it all.... I don't even have confidence in my decision, if I even come to one.

I AM PREGNANT!

BIG new of course!

I am pregnant! Almost 6 weeks! I was shocked.

I hadn't had a migraine in 2 weeks which was weird. My boobs felt a little more sensitive than normal when S was breastfeeding, so I took a test. I was expecting just a test line. Woooooop I wash my hands, then there's a faint line. The bathroom light was off so I turn it on and my heart was racing. I was tricking myself to think that I was seeing an imaginary second line. Ohh no. That was most definitely NOT my imagination! There was a faint pregnant line. I was 4 weeks at the time of the pregnancy test.

So, I was on medication. Effexor XL 75mg. I was scared. Antidepressants while pregnant? No way, not for me. I want to do this PILL FREE. Of course it's not for everyone, but I really feel better knowing I am not putting substances into my body than worrying sick about my unborn baby while taking medications. The same day I took the pregnancy test I had an appointment with my therapist. She said congrats and we talked about a game plan. I am so happy that we figured everything out, what to do, how to do it, when to do it. It's all in place if I need it. Support, yes! The next day I called my OB and said I want to get off the effexor. They wrote me a RX to start my wean. 7 days ofo 37.5mg Effexor XL.

Fast forward to today. I am on day 2 of taking NO effexor. I am doing great! MINOR vertigo, that's all! I am so so happy. I read nightmare stories about weaning off of effexor. I am very fortunate that I am doing so well. I hope I am not jinxing myself and I continue to have an easy time off of the medication.

I am so happy, our babies will all be close in age. This is great, we wanted 3 kids and always wanted them to be close in age. We planned on trying for another baby in October 2009, when I was off of my medication, but I guess life has different plans for us. This will be my last pregnancy and I am trying to make the most of it. I am very happy, excited, thrilled! I can't wait to paint the nursery and buy baby room decor. I have so many images of baby rooms in my head, I want to apply them to our walls! I just need to know if this little munchkin is a boy or a girl first though. =D

School is almost done. YES.

I've been so busy lately, but things have been great. I am so happy right now, and so happy that I am happy! What a rush, what a feeling!

Long Awaited Update!

It's been a VERY long time since I last updated. I am extremely proud to say I am doing very very very well!

Things with the in-laws have calmed down. They've backed off, and I am SO happy they did. I can actually wake up feeling fresh, awake, happy, and excited to start my new day without anxiety.

I've been on Effexor 75 mg. for a bit now. I LOVE it. I was nervous to try it, but I am so grateful that I did. What an amazing antidepressant, lol! My anxiety is so much better, I am so happy. I have motivation, I am excited, I do things alone, I am myself again. What an amazing place I am at right now! I am so proud of myself, and it has taken me so much time to say that, and I am SO damn proud!!! I feel like I've climbed a mountain and I should yell, "I DID IT WORLD, I FOUGHT MY PPD! I WON MY BATTLE!!!"

I had an appointment today with my nurse prescriber. She said since the 75 mg. is working so well for me, there's no need to increase. I am happy about that, and I am happy that I am able to get out and do things and not worry or think that everyone is looking at me and critisizing me. I feel free. I feel like I can finally spread my wings and fly... what a feeling!

My PPD counselor is amazing. I have an amazing support staff working on me, I am lucky that I found such a great therapist. She's helping me set up my very own support system of friends, particularly Moms, and young Moms, that I can relate to. I am so excited to meet new Moms to make friends with.

That's all for now, I guess! There's not much going on. I am very busy with the kids & school, and my life is pretty drama free right now and I am extremely happy about that. I've been exercising and doing fun things like playing outside with the kids, planting flowers, etc. and it's great. I love it. I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee it!