Creeping back...

ARG! WHY?!

I was feeling so good at the beginning of this pregnancy, and now my anxiety has taken a toll on me, yet again. I am getting feelings of not being happy again, but I should be! Sure, I'm stressed, what Mom isn't?! I need an easy button or a magic 8 ball to say all of the right things- and mean it!

I feel like I need to take a pill to fix everything, imbalance wise. Something isn't right, I am not myself. I'm not happy, and I can't figure out why. Sure, the situation with N's parents is shitty. His Mom has written a couple more emails to me & him and blamed him for this situation, and keeps saying "it needs to be put in the past". No lady. You don't just START trusting someone right away again, trust is earned, rightfully so. Not to mention, she has fucked up WAY too many times to have this blow over this easily. I've been doing well with this situation. It helps that she keeps fucking up, it gives me a reason and right to say, "Told ya so!". She still can respect boundaries and is still emailing her daughters about the situation, which is against the counseling rules that N and his parents set up with the counselor. It blows my mind how stupid a person can be in the sense of people skills. I've been doing very well with that situation though, I roll things of my back and let her do her nasty work because she keeps kicking herself down and I am not even doing ANYTHING. It's comical really...

Anyway, my anxiety is high. Why?! I have no idea! I meet new people and I FREAK out. I used to be SO outgoing and not shy, and how the hell have I become this?! I am shy and shaky and not sure of myself. My confidence is low. Sure I have my bursts of good confident days, but I don't know what to do.

I don't want to just take pills while pregnant, I feel GUILTY about that! I am trying to get through this and hope it's hormones, but I just don't even know anymore. Hormones from the pregnancy or PPD or anxiety or stress or ______? It's a catch 22. If I take pills that a doctor okays me to take while pregnant, I feel guilty. If I don't take them, I feel like shit/anxious and I don't know what the right choice is. I don't know what to do. Could this be prenatal depression?! God, I hope not. This is our last baby and damnit I want to be happy. I AM happy but something in me is holding me back from myself. It's like my happiness is candy dangled in front of my nose, just teasing me and reminding me of what it used to be like as my happy good old self.

I don't know what to do... and that is the worst part of it all.... I don't even have confidence in my decision, if I even come to one.