Get Over It.... (WTF?!)

If there is one thing that I wish people could understand, I would want them to feel how I feel. Not forever, maybe just a day or two. No one really knows what PPD or anxiety is like unless you have felt it yourself. I wish I had more people that I could relate to with the PPD. I have good days and bad days, and sometimes it's a struggle just to get out of bed in the morning. That has gotten better though.

If it were as easy as "getting over it" I definitely would have by now. I hate feeling so shitty. If I could "snap out of it" I would in a second! No one would want to feel so alone and depressed all the time. I wish I could take a magic cure all pill, too bad one doesn't exist. I'm so sick of dealing with this PPD. I thought I'd be better by now. I KNOW I would have, if it wasn't for the situation with N's parents. I know it. They bring along so much stress. I wish we lived in a different state than them, that would make things a lot easier!

So... yesterday someone said to me (We were talking about something that I reminded this person to do a long time ago, and they said they would.):
"You could have called!" {aka putting the blame on me, after I reminded them more than a couple times to call and they said THEY would.} Okay... well let's see here. Did you forget I have PPD and anxiety? Did you forget I especially have anxiety about talking to people I don't know, even on the phone? VERY insensitive. It's crazy how I can go from feeling very supported to no support in an instant. This is exactly when I wish someone could feel how I feel. Words can be so hurtful. That is like saying "Stop having cancer!" to someone with cancer. It's basically saying "Stop having anxiety! Suck it up! Just call, just do it!" So yet another person has no idea how I feel. I feel even more alone and misunderstood. Calling people I don't know is like climbing a mountain. I know it's a little task, but with my anxiety it's hard! I get anxious and nervous. It took me over a month to call about a wrong charge on my credit card, because I was so anxious. Finally I had a really 'good' day and I called the CC company.

I feel like I am complaining alllll the time. Last night I cried. I just want to shake someone & be like "GET IT! I HAVE PPD! FEEL HOW I FEEL!" but of course that's impossible. I wish that people would be able to get inside my brain & feel what I feel. Depression & PPD is an illness, just like cancer or whatever else, it can literally take over your life. I won't let it, but sometimes it feels like no one will ever understand. It's hard to feel better when no one understands you.

If I could just shake these feelings off, believe me, I would.



Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm not excited. I actually wish I could just skip to Christmas morning to watch the girls open their presents. N works on my bday & then has to drive 2 hours to see me, and it's supposed to snow. So, I'm guessing I won't even see my husband on my birthday. Throw that on top of PPD & now you have a mess... me... a mess. A mess on my birthday. Let's just skip it, okay? How about I sleep all day on my birthday and pretend it's not my birthday. I'll play hooky to my birthday.

I'm also still extremely nervous that N's Mom is going to ruin his Christmas and N's Christmas with my family and the girls and I. I have a really bad feeling... everytime I think about it I feel sick. My Mom says, "Don't let that ruin your Christmas". I can say that and hope that, but bottom line is that she could put N in a shitty mood, making Christmas awkward for us. Who knows what she's going to say to N. She's said some extremely mean things to her son and I before, what would stop her this time?

All I want for Christmas is a happy happy day! =)