Wow! The my birthday and Christmas flew by so fast! I finally have a chance to post now that I am home and back into the swing of things. The girls are back to their routine which is always good.
The holidays went GREAT! I can't believe I am saying that! They went so smooth & awesome, everything worked out lovely. I was SO anxious on Christmas Eve when Nathan was at his parents house, but I kept busy and I had a great time seeing Christmas lights & spending time with my family, and of course shopping. The one thing that was a little awkward was when Nathan was at his parents house for Christmas Eve, Nathan was saying his good-byes to his family... and his dad disappeared. He didn't say bye, didn't call, didn't text... nothing. I think this is extremely shitty... why the hell wouldn't you say good-bye to your son on Christmas Eve?! They haven't talked since then. It just is not fair to Nathan. He didn't do anything wrong and he's in the middle of all of this. I guess it just proves my point even more... that is the type of people they are. Oh well... I guess. Can't change them!
Now that Christmas is over I feel a huge sense of relief! I am SO glad it went smoothly and there were not fights. No blow ups, I can't believe it! I kind of am still waiting for some sort of aftermath of it all. Well, at least they didn't ruin our Christmas! I feel like 10,000 pounds have just been lifted off of my shoulders, and that feels so refreshing.
A little before Christmas my Dr. and I upped my dose of Wellbutrin SR to 200mg. I think this may be the right dose for me! It's hard to tell though, because now the holiday stress is gone, so it could be that or the increase in dose, or both. I can't really describe how I feel right now. Happy, excited, relief, refreshed, I can't remember the last time I felt those feelings. It helps that the girls got a crapload of new toys too... I am having so much fun playing with their new toys with them, and reading their new books, it's all so much fun. I'd rather give them stuff than buy stuff for myself, because when they get new things I get excited too. Something about that childhood innocent excitement and fun... I just love it!
A little drawback- I feel like my muscle relaxers are doing nothing for me. At first I only took one a day, then two a day, and now I'm going to try three a day. I hope they work for me, my back pain is rediculous!
I really hope these feelings stay. I'm feeling so good right now. No drama, no worries, no holiday stress. It's peaceful and calm, just how I like it!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Get Over It.... (WTF?!)
If there is one thing that I wish people could understand, I would want them to feel how I feel. Not forever, maybe just a day or two. No one really knows what PPD or anxiety is like unless you have felt it yourself. I wish I had more people that I could relate to with the PPD. I have good days and bad days, and sometimes it's a struggle just to get out of bed in the morning. That has gotten better though.
If it were as easy as "getting over it" I definitely would have by now. I hate feeling so shitty. If I could "snap out of it" I would in a second! No one would want to feel so alone and depressed all the time. I wish I could take a magic cure all pill, too bad one doesn't exist. I'm so sick of dealing with this PPD. I thought I'd be better by now. I KNOW I would have, if it wasn't for the situation with N's parents. I know it. They bring along so much stress. I wish we lived in a different state than them, that would make things a lot easier!
So... yesterday someone said to me (We were talking about something that I reminded this person to do a long time ago, and they said they would.):
"You could have called!" {aka putting the blame on me, after I reminded them more than a couple times to call and they said THEY would.} Okay... well let's see here. Did you forget I have PPD and anxiety? Did you forget I especially have anxiety about talking to people I don't know, even on the phone? VERY insensitive. It's crazy how I can go from feeling very supported to no support in an instant. This is exactly when I wish someone could feel how I feel. Words can be so hurtful. That is like saying "Stop having cancer!" to someone with cancer. It's basically saying "Stop having anxiety! Suck it up! Just call, just do it!" So yet another person has no idea how I feel. I feel even more alone and misunderstood. Calling people I don't know is like climbing a mountain. I know it's a little task, but with my anxiety it's hard! I get anxious and nervous. It took me over a month to call about a wrong charge on my credit card, because I was so anxious. Finally I had a really 'good' day and I called the CC company.
I feel like I am complaining alllll the time. Last night I cried. I just want to shake someone & be like "GET IT! I HAVE PPD! FEEL HOW I FEEL!" but of course that's impossible. I wish that people would be able to get inside my brain & feel what I feel. Depression & PPD is an illness, just like cancer or whatever else, it can literally take over your life. I won't let it, but sometimes it feels like no one will ever understand. It's hard to feel better when no one understands you.
If I could just shake these feelings off, believe me, I would.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm not excited. I actually wish I could just skip to Christmas morning to watch the girls open their presents. N works on my bday & then has to drive 2 hours to see me, and it's supposed to snow. So, I'm guessing I won't even see my husband on my birthday. Throw that on top of PPD & now you have a mess... me... a mess. A mess on my birthday. Let's just skip it, okay? How about I sleep all day on my birthday and pretend it's not my birthday. I'll play hooky to my birthday.
I'm also still extremely nervous that N's Mom is going to ruin his Christmas and N's Christmas with my family and the girls and I. I have a really bad feeling... everytime I think about it I feel sick. My Mom says, "Don't let that ruin your Christmas". I can say that and hope that, but bottom line is that she could put N in a shitty mood, making Christmas awkward for us. Who knows what she's going to say to N. She's said some extremely mean things to her son and I before, what would stop her this time?
All I want for Christmas is a happy happy day! =)
If it were as easy as "getting over it" I definitely would have by now. I hate feeling so shitty. If I could "snap out of it" I would in a second! No one would want to feel so alone and depressed all the time. I wish I could take a magic cure all pill, too bad one doesn't exist. I'm so sick of dealing with this PPD. I thought I'd be better by now. I KNOW I would have, if it wasn't for the situation with N's parents. I know it. They bring along so much stress. I wish we lived in a different state than them, that would make things a lot easier!
So... yesterday someone said to me (We were talking about something that I reminded this person to do a long time ago, and they said they would.):
"You could have called!" {aka putting the blame on me, after I reminded them more than a couple times to call and they said THEY would.} Okay... well let's see here. Did you forget I have PPD and anxiety? Did you forget I especially have anxiety about talking to people I don't know, even on the phone? VERY insensitive. It's crazy how I can go from feeling very supported to no support in an instant. This is exactly when I wish someone could feel how I feel. Words can be so hurtful. That is like saying "Stop having cancer!" to someone with cancer. It's basically saying "Stop having anxiety! Suck it up! Just call, just do it!" So yet another person has no idea how I feel. I feel even more alone and misunderstood. Calling people I don't know is like climbing a mountain. I know it's a little task, but with my anxiety it's hard! I get anxious and nervous. It took me over a month to call about a wrong charge on my credit card, because I was so anxious. Finally I had a really 'good' day and I called the CC company.
I feel like I am complaining alllll the time. Last night I cried. I just want to shake someone & be like "GET IT! I HAVE PPD! FEEL HOW I FEEL!" but of course that's impossible. I wish that people would be able to get inside my brain & feel what I feel. Depression & PPD is an illness, just like cancer or whatever else, it can literally take over your life. I won't let it, but sometimes it feels like no one will ever understand. It's hard to feel better when no one understands you.
If I could just shake these feelings off, believe me, I would.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm not excited. I actually wish I could just skip to Christmas morning to watch the girls open their presents. N works on my bday & then has to drive 2 hours to see me, and it's supposed to snow. So, I'm guessing I won't even see my husband on my birthday. Throw that on top of PPD & now you have a mess... me... a mess. A mess on my birthday. Let's just skip it, okay? How about I sleep all day on my birthday and pretend it's not my birthday. I'll play hooky to my birthday.
I'm also still extremely nervous that N's Mom is going to ruin his Christmas and N's Christmas with my family and the girls and I. I have a really bad feeling... everytime I think about it I feel sick. My Mom says, "Don't let that ruin your Christmas". I can say that and hope that, but bottom line is that she could put N in a shitty mood, making Christmas awkward for us. Who knows what she's going to say to N. She's said some extremely mean things to her son and I before, what would stop her this time?
All I want for Christmas is a happy happy day! =)
Friday, December 19, 2008
Can someone please fast-forward time?
I would love to time to fast-forward to Christmas morning. I really don't want to deal with the time between then and now. I am way to stressed, I just need to see my girls' faces light up when they get a shitload of new toys and are surrounded by my family. That is seriously all I want and expect for the holidays. I don't want gifts. I just want to be with my family and have their support. I just want to be with my girls and see them excited and happy. I am excited to see them believe in the magic of Christmas and love it. Children have a special way of making the holidays so so special.
I just want a peaceful holiday... is that too much to ask for?
I just want a peaceful holiday... is that too much to ask for?
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I Don't Get It
I try to explain things to Nathan, but sometimes he just doesn't get it. Cliche, but men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Men just think differently. I just want to put him inside of my brain and get what I am talking about.
Tonight I told him that what hurts me the most is that he seems to be buddy buddy with his parents. I cannot understand this. (He says he is not.) To me, I see his parents as the 'enemy' for lack of better words. I see him talking & doing things with his parents as betrayal. I don't understand how he can go & do things with them, knowing how horrible they made his wife feel, especially at my all time low with PPD. To me, he is saying that they were right & were okay in saying and doing what they did. He says he doesn't think that it is ok by hanging out with them and talking to them, and he does stick up for me. I never hear him talk to his parents in front of me, so how do I know he is sticking up for me? I am not asking him to stop seeing his parents, but I am asking to hear him stick up for me. Once I hear it, I'll be able to understand it a little more. He says it's awkward talking to his parents in front of me, and vice virsa. I would LOVE to hear him talk to his parents in front of me, maybe I'd be able to understand their relationship more. If I heard N stand up for me, I'd feel SO much better. I told him I can't believe in what I don't hear. Yes, I believe he sticks up for me, but I know how much his parents talk and butt in so that he can't even get a word out. His parents talk and talk and talk and he doesn't even get a chance to talk... let alone defend me.
The only thing that makes sense to me is that:
a) He is not defending me
b) He knows his parents won't let him get a word in, so he doesn't want me to hear them interrupt him 100 times.
c) His parents will say a million mean things about me or him, and he doesn't want me to hear it.
It's past 1 a.m. and I can't sleep. Anyone with a brain knows that is NOT good, especially for PPD. I've had such a shitty day.... I can't stop crying. Bad bad day.
N's Mom told him she could barely sleep. Yeah woman. Play the victim. Try that on top of PPD and then we'll talk. Until then, you got nothin on me.
Goodbye.
Tonight I told him that what hurts me the most is that he seems to be buddy buddy with his parents. I cannot understand this. (He says he is not.) To me, I see his parents as the 'enemy' for lack of better words. I see him talking & doing things with his parents as betrayal. I don't understand how he can go & do things with them, knowing how horrible they made his wife feel, especially at my all time low with PPD. To me, he is saying that they were right & were okay in saying and doing what they did. He says he doesn't think that it is ok by hanging out with them and talking to them, and he does stick up for me. I never hear him talk to his parents in front of me, so how do I know he is sticking up for me? I am not asking him to stop seeing his parents, but I am asking to hear him stick up for me. Once I hear it, I'll be able to understand it a little more. He says it's awkward talking to his parents in front of me, and vice virsa. I would LOVE to hear him talk to his parents in front of me, maybe I'd be able to understand their relationship more. If I heard N stand up for me, I'd feel SO much better. I told him I can't believe in what I don't hear. Yes, I believe he sticks up for me, but I know how much his parents talk and butt in so that he can't even get a word out. His parents talk and talk and talk and he doesn't even get a chance to talk... let alone defend me.
The only thing that makes sense to me is that:
a) He is not defending me
b) He knows his parents won't let him get a word in, so he doesn't want me to hear them interrupt him 100 times.
c) His parents will say a million mean things about me or him, and he doesn't want me to hear it.
It's past 1 a.m. and I can't sleep. Anyone with a brain knows that is NOT good, especially for PPD. I've had such a shitty day.... I can't stop crying. Bad bad day.
N's Mom told him she could barely sleep. Yeah woman. Play the victim. Try that on top of PPD and then we'll talk. Until then, you got nothin on me.
Goodbye.
Dog Sitting
Please, someone tell me why I agreed to dog sit two huge dogs. One is over 150lbs and the other is around that weight too.
Within the first hour one of them took a major dump on our carpet. It was almost as big as elephant shit. Ok, maybe not that big, but still. I am used to my tiny little dog that is litter trained. This whole taking the dogs outside to crap & piss thing is weird. So is them being soaking wet from the snow, and then coming inside... trampling the house... carpet dirty... etc. etc. etc.
I immediately told N he is not getting the big dog that he wanted. He wanted a husky, but those are hunting type dogs and a husky would eat my dog. He still wanted a bigger dog, but I said no. Unless it is litter trained, no. No. Freaking. Way. Just... no.
On another note, I am having overwhelming feelings about Christmas. I hate N's Mom. She is something else. She's a real piece of work. She better not ruin his Christmas. She's going to push away her son, how much you wanna bet? I feel like there is a ton of bricks on my chest, I am just overwhelmed by all of this Christmas stuff. His parents don't deserve anything. They've fucked us over so many ways, I hate them. They don't deserve to see any of us. They've broken trust completely. I will never trust them again. I am 100% fine with that too... I would be so much happier without them in my life. They sure as hell will not be seeing the girls, no way! They fucked themselves over at the same time they fucked us over, funny now, isn't it? I truly believe karma comes back to you... usually 10 fold. Poor them... *gag* I should send N's Mom some of my wellbutrin & ativan... she could really use it since she doesn't know when to shut her mouth & calm down. Funny, I don't have that problem & I still have them, lol!
Now that I just made myself puke (joke) I can talk about nicer things! My birthday is next Tuesday. Yay. Not too excited because I don't want to get my hopes up for anything. I like my birthdays small and filled with family & very close friends. The rest don't matter. I'm excited to see the girls open their presents for Christmas, that is TRULY going to make my Christmas! I cannot wait for that more than anything, that is going to make my day.
It feels good to get that anger out. Unlike some people, I know how to do it the healthy way. =)
Within the first hour one of them took a major dump on our carpet. It was almost as big as elephant shit. Ok, maybe not that big, but still. I am used to my tiny little dog that is litter trained. This whole taking the dogs outside to crap & piss thing is weird. So is them being soaking wet from the snow, and then coming inside... trampling the house... carpet dirty... etc. etc. etc.
I immediately told N he is not getting the big dog that he wanted. He wanted a husky, but those are hunting type dogs and a husky would eat my dog. He still wanted a bigger dog, but I said no. Unless it is litter trained, no. No. Freaking. Way. Just... no.
On another note, I am having overwhelming feelings about Christmas. I hate N's Mom. She is something else. She's a real piece of work. She better not ruin his Christmas. She's going to push away her son, how much you wanna bet? I feel like there is a ton of bricks on my chest, I am just overwhelmed by all of this Christmas stuff. His parents don't deserve anything. They've fucked us over so many ways, I hate them. They don't deserve to see any of us. They've broken trust completely. I will never trust them again. I am 100% fine with that too... I would be so much happier without them in my life. They sure as hell will not be seeing the girls, no way! They fucked themselves over at the same time they fucked us over, funny now, isn't it? I truly believe karma comes back to you... usually 10 fold. Poor them... *gag* I should send N's Mom some of my wellbutrin & ativan... she could really use it since she doesn't know when to shut her mouth & calm down. Funny, I don't have that problem & I still have them, lol!
Now that I just made myself puke (joke) I can talk about nicer things! My birthday is next Tuesday. Yay. Not too excited because I don't want to get my hopes up for anything. I like my birthdays small and filled with family & very close friends. The rest don't matter. I'm excited to see the girls open their presents for Christmas, that is TRULY going to make my Christmas! I cannot wait for that more than anything, that is going to make my day.
It feels good to get that anger out. Unlike some people, I know how to do it the healthy way. =)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Stress Stress & more Stress...
My thoughts are racing. Since I woke up this morning I've been rush rush rushed....
I wish that registering for classes wasn't so difficult. I finally paid my tuition from fall 08 semester, so I was able to register for courses, although since I am wanting online courses, I need to get permission from the instructor, then send it to two other people, and then wait a little while so I can actually register for the class. Pain in the ass, seriously. On top of that, I have to find out if they even count for my major. Since I have transferred credits, some of them may not count, so back to square one if that happens. With technology these days, I cannot believe how difficult it is to register for courses that you NEED. Anyway, I found three classes that I THINK will work toward my major. I have to email my adviser to see for sure though.
Last night I saw my nurse prescriber. (She basically a psychiatrist, without the fancy name and a few less qualifications.) I told her how I was prescribed Flexeril for my muscle and back pain. I thought I was only supposed to take it as needed, but she said take it once a day. On the bottle it says take 2-3 times daily. Hmm... okay. I am taking it once a day right now. Lately I've been sleeping better which is good. Tea at night helps, and N is good about making it for me. =) The nurse also asked how Thanksgiving went. I told her it went really well, it was peaceful and calm. I was sad my parents and family weren't there, but it was nice and peaceful nontheless. She asked how Christmas is going to go, and I told her. My birthday is the 23rd, N works that day so he is going to come down as soon as he gets off work. Celebrate my bday, then Christmas Eve he'll spend working and then with his family. Christmas Eve night (at the latest, 10 p.m.) he is going to leave to come by my parent's house. He wants to see the girls wake up with their presents, it's going to be SO much fun! Anyway, I am SO worried that N's Mom is going to ruin his Christmas. I have a really bad feeling that she is going to make him feel guilty or cry or blow up or something. It's happened before, so it's not like I am imagining it happening! It happened 2 Christmases ago. She has a hard time letting go of him. He has his own family now and when that happens priorities change. It's hard for parents to accept that, but it's not right to make N feel bad. He does NOT deserve that. Everything that his parents have done so far has hurt N more than anyone else. If they think they are "punishing" or hurting me, they are wrong. Most of all, this affects N. I feel so bad that he is in the middle of this. Most of all, I feel bad that his Mom is such a bitch. There. I said it. It feels good to get that out. I of course would never say that to her, but that is my opinion of her. I can't believe his parents haven't said sorry to him. Gosh that makes me SO much more mad! His parents STILL don't realize what they've done. It's so clear... clear as glass. She better not ruin his Christmas. I will be SOOOOOOOOO pissed! He said if something happens he's going to leave. He said he "won't put up with that." and I was so happy to hear him say that. He KNOWS he is more than fully welcome by my parents and family.
All in all, we increased my Wellbutrin to 200mg. I always say, "I can always go down, but I think I could feel better, so I want to try an increase." I haven't started it yet, I will tomorrow. As of now, I think the muscle relaxers are working. I feel so monotone, if that makes sense.
Okay onto bigger and better things! Highlight of my day yesterday: Me teaching Kaelei to 'booty dance'. Did I mention she was running around dancing nakey? It was SO adorable I almost died laughing so hard. It was the cutest thing! Also, dancing with Sophie was a blast. =)
Today my friend D was supposed to come up but the roads were bad. I was looking forward to it, but oh well. Saturday! It'll give me Saturday to look forward to.
Like I said above, I feel so monotone. My mind is racing trying to do 10 things at once. I'm not happy, not sad, not excited, just blah. Gotta get this done. Gotta do that. Have to do this before this, and that before that, make sure to order presents online, make sure to email professors, make sure to clean, feed the girls, change diapers, clean office closet, on and on and on.... I wonder if this is the muscle relaxers...? Hmm. My body does feel relaxed. I could probably sleep now if I laid down. If only ODD would nap with me....
I wish that registering for classes wasn't so difficult. I finally paid my tuition from fall 08 semester, so I was able to register for courses, although since I am wanting online courses, I need to get permission from the instructor, then send it to two other people, and then wait a little while so I can actually register for the class. Pain in the ass, seriously. On top of that, I have to find out if they even count for my major. Since I have transferred credits, some of them may not count, so back to square one if that happens. With technology these days, I cannot believe how difficult it is to register for courses that you NEED. Anyway, I found three classes that I THINK will work toward my major. I have to email my adviser to see for sure though.
Last night I saw my nurse prescriber. (She basically a psychiatrist, without the fancy name and a few less qualifications.) I told her how I was prescribed Flexeril for my muscle and back pain. I thought I was only supposed to take it as needed, but she said take it once a day. On the bottle it says take 2-3 times daily. Hmm... okay. I am taking it once a day right now. Lately I've been sleeping better which is good. Tea at night helps, and N is good about making it for me. =) The nurse also asked how Thanksgiving went. I told her it went really well, it was peaceful and calm. I was sad my parents and family weren't there, but it was nice and peaceful nontheless. She asked how Christmas is going to go, and I told her. My birthday is the 23rd, N works that day so he is going to come down as soon as he gets off work. Celebrate my bday, then Christmas Eve he'll spend working and then with his family. Christmas Eve night (at the latest, 10 p.m.) he is going to leave to come by my parent's house. He wants to see the girls wake up with their presents, it's going to be SO much fun! Anyway, I am SO worried that N's Mom is going to ruin his Christmas. I have a really bad feeling that she is going to make him feel guilty or cry or blow up or something. It's happened before, so it's not like I am imagining it happening! It happened 2 Christmases ago. She has a hard time letting go of him. He has his own family now and when that happens priorities change. It's hard for parents to accept that, but it's not right to make N feel bad. He does NOT deserve that. Everything that his parents have done so far has hurt N more than anyone else. If they think they are "punishing" or hurting me, they are wrong. Most of all, this affects N. I feel so bad that he is in the middle of this. Most of all, I feel bad that his Mom is such a bitch. There. I said it. It feels good to get that out. I of course would never say that to her, but that is my opinion of her. I can't believe his parents haven't said sorry to him. Gosh that makes me SO much more mad! His parents STILL don't realize what they've done. It's so clear... clear as glass. She better not ruin his Christmas. I will be SOOOOOOOOO pissed! He said if something happens he's going to leave. He said he "won't put up with that." and I was so happy to hear him say that. He KNOWS he is more than fully welcome by my parents and family.
All in all, we increased my Wellbutrin to 200mg. I always say, "I can always go down, but I think I could feel better, so I want to try an increase." I haven't started it yet, I will tomorrow. As of now, I think the muscle relaxers are working. I feel so monotone, if that makes sense.
Okay onto bigger and better things! Highlight of my day yesterday: Me teaching Kaelei to 'booty dance'. Did I mention she was running around dancing nakey? It was SO adorable I almost died laughing so hard. It was the cutest thing! Also, dancing with Sophie was a blast. =)
Today my friend D was supposed to come up but the roads were bad. I was looking forward to it, but oh well. Saturday! It'll give me Saturday to look forward to.
Like I said above, I feel so monotone. My mind is racing trying to do 10 things at once. I'm not happy, not sad, not excited, just blah. Gotta get this done. Gotta do that. Have to do this before this, and that before that, make sure to order presents online, make sure to email professors, make sure to clean, feed the girls, change diapers, clean office closet, on and on and on.... I wonder if this is the muscle relaxers...? Hmm. My body does feel relaxed. I could probably sleep now if I laid down. If only ODD would nap with me....
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Bah Humbug!
Nathan and I were talking yesterday, and one thing really bothered me. His parents are upset that he's doing Christmas with my family. UM, HELLO! They have been nothing but 100% supportive to us through everything. They are jealous because we are doing Christmas with my family! They should be, they screwed up big time!!! They blew their chance at having a family fun filled Christmas. That's what happens when you call your daughter-in-law names and criticize how she does things. She burned a VERY important bridge. Not my fault. This isn't the first time either... Two Christmases ago she freaked out on Nathan and I because she didn't know how to share her son for the holidays. She also has freaked out on Nathan's sisters on different occasions before this. Notice a pattern here... yeah. I do not take that kind of bullshit from people, family or otherwise. I am not the type of person to put myself in a situation where I will get slapped across the face time and time again. No way. Not how I live. I am SO proud of myself for that. I stand up for the way that I should be treated.
More importantly this once again proves my point that they have NOT changed. Number one, because if they knew ANYTHING about postpartum depression, they would know that SUPPORT IS KEY! Surrounding myself with SUPPORTIVE family and friends is what I absolutely have to do to make myself better. Do they not want me better? Do they want me to suffer longer? They feel since they are not able to have a Christmas with the girls, that my parents shouldn't too. Number two, my parents didn't do anything to Nathan or I. They didn't say cruel things to Nathan or I. They didn't criticize Nathan or myself.
What I want more than ever is to have a peaceful (HAHAHAHAHA! Is that possible?!) Christmas. I would LOVE for Nathan to come to my parent's house Christmas Eve night and have him be in a great mood. I don't want his parents to make him feel like crap or feel like a bad son. His Mom once said, "What are your intentions? What can I expect from you?" I can't believe she said that. Nathan is not her servant, he doesn't owe her anything. Of course he loves her! I cannot imagine talking to my children that way. I feel bad for Nathan. N's Mom has had a hard time letting go of her youngest child, Nathan. I wanna be like... cut the cord woman! He's married, he has a family of his own. Priorities change when you are married and have kids of your own.
The counselor that Nathan & I last saw told Nathan that I was full of anger. Yes, I am. And...? I have EVERY right to be! When I was trying to divulge my feelings to Nathan's Mom, she attacked me. Nathan told her to stop, and she didn't. She didn't know when to shut her mouth. She ended up saying VERY hurtful things, attacked my parenting, and basically later on Nathan's Dad and her threatened Nathan with money. I swear she didn't want us to get married. She was like, "Nathan never sees his friends anymore." SERIOUSLY WOMAN?!?!?!?!?! I LIVE TWO HOURS AWAY FROM MY FRIENDS! You are going to say he doesn't see his friends?! Wow. She had NO logic behind that. She was just having vomit of the mouth and spewing whatever she could to get Nathan not to marry me. People have kids, they see their friends less. Hello... that's part of parenting. Nathan NEVER brought it up to me that he didn't get to see his friends enough, and then his Mom says that?! The audacity! Oh- I don't think I mentioned that his Mom accused me of stealing things from her! LOL!!! Nathan TOLD ME to pack up EVERYTHING from the kitchen. (We lived in their guest apartment in their house.) I said, "Are you sure, everything?" and Nathan said, "Yup, that's what she said!" So, naturally, I did was I was told. I packed up everything, then Nathan's Mom leaves him a nice little voicemail saying "*insert my name here* stole my dishes! She also took..." and then listed off some things. I seriously think she is scenial sometimes! She also denied saying things to me at Christmas 2 years ago. She says horribly mean things, then she denies them when she is confronted about them! That's enough to drive a person up the wall.
So I am angry. I have a right to be. I have my good & bad days. Sometimes I am so furious with them because they screwed us over on so many levels. Financially, emotionally, etc. Then, there are days when I think, 'Wow, their loss. Look where they got themselves now. Hope it was worth it. Hope all of that bribing with money, name calling, harsh words, and LYING was worth losing part of their family.'
Is it too much to ask for the holidays to be un-eventful? I have a really bad feeling that Nathan's Mom is going to ruin his Christmas Eve with them... I hope not, for Nathan's sake of course. He doesn't deserve that one bit. He's too sweet, he does not need any more stress. I just have a feeling that since her Christmas isn't going to be how she wants it, that she is going to try & ruin mine... meaning my family's Christmas with Nathan & the girls.
I'm going to talk with N about it now. I want to make sure that we have a GREAT Christmas. I want him to walk into the door & try to leave any baggage behind from his Mom. Once he gets into my parent's house, it's a new Christmas for him. That one will NOT be ruined! I will not let that woman ruin another Christmas. My girls deserve for both of their parents to be 100% during the most fun holiday of the year!
More importantly this once again proves my point that they have NOT changed. Number one, because if they knew ANYTHING about postpartum depression, they would know that SUPPORT IS KEY! Surrounding myself with SUPPORTIVE family and friends is what I absolutely have to do to make myself better. Do they not want me better? Do they want me to suffer longer? They feel since they are not able to have a Christmas with the girls, that my parents shouldn't too. Number two, my parents didn't do anything to Nathan or I. They didn't say cruel things to Nathan or I. They didn't criticize Nathan or myself.
What I want more than ever is to have a peaceful (HAHAHAHAHA! Is that possible?!) Christmas. I would LOVE for Nathan to come to my parent's house Christmas Eve night and have him be in a great mood. I don't want his parents to make him feel like crap or feel like a bad son. His Mom once said, "What are your intentions? What can I expect from you?" I can't believe she said that. Nathan is not her servant, he doesn't owe her anything. Of course he loves her! I cannot imagine talking to my children that way. I feel bad for Nathan. N's Mom has had a hard time letting go of her youngest child, Nathan. I wanna be like... cut the cord woman! He's married, he has a family of his own. Priorities change when you are married and have kids of your own.
The counselor that Nathan & I last saw told Nathan that I was full of anger. Yes, I am. And...? I have EVERY right to be! When I was trying to divulge my feelings to Nathan's Mom, she attacked me. Nathan told her to stop, and she didn't. She didn't know when to shut her mouth. She ended up saying VERY hurtful things, attacked my parenting, and basically later on Nathan's Dad and her threatened Nathan with money. I swear she didn't want us to get married. She was like, "Nathan never sees his friends anymore." SERIOUSLY WOMAN?!?!?!?!?! I LIVE TWO HOURS AWAY FROM MY FRIENDS! You are going to say he doesn't see his friends?! Wow. She had NO logic behind that. She was just having vomit of the mouth and spewing whatever she could to get Nathan not to marry me. People have kids, they see their friends less. Hello... that's part of parenting. Nathan NEVER brought it up to me that he didn't get to see his friends enough, and then his Mom says that?! The audacity! Oh- I don't think I mentioned that his Mom accused me of stealing things from her! LOL!!! Nathan TOLD ME to pack up EVERYTHING from the kitchen. (We lived in their guest apartment in their house.) I said, "Are you sure, everything?" and Nathan said, "Yup, that's what she said!" So, naturally, I did was I was told. I packed up everything, then Nathan's Mom leaves him a nice little voicemail saying "*insert my name here* stole my dishes! She also took..." and then listed off some things. I seriously think she is scenial sometimes! She also denied saying things to me at Christmas 2 years ago. She says horribly mean things, then she denies them when she is confronted about them! That's enough to drive a person up the wall.
So I am angry. I have a right to be. I have my good & bad days. Sometimes I am so furious with them because they screwed us over on so many levels. Financially, emotionally, etc. Then, there are days when I think, 'Wow, their loss. Look where they got themselves now. Hope it was worth it. Hope all of that bribing with money, name calling, harsh words, and LYING was worth losing part of their family.'
Is it too much to ask for the holidays to be un-eventful? I have a really bad feeling that Nathan's Mom is going to ruin his Christmas Eve with them... I hope not, for Nathan's sake of course. He doesn't deserve that one bit. He's too sweet, he does not need any more stress. I just have a feeling that since her Christmas isn't going to be how she wants it, that she is going to try & ruin mine... meaning my family's Christmas with Nathan & the girls.
I'm going to talk with N about it now. I want to make sure that we have a GREAT Christmas. I want him to walk into the door & try to leave any baggage behind from his Mom. Once he gets into my parent's house, it's a new Christmas for him. That one will NOT be ruined! I will not let that woman ruin another Christmas. My girls deserve for both of their parents to be 100% during the most fun holiday of the year!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Think Happy Thoughts...
I want to try & be positive as much as possible. With the holidays comes stress, and throw my birthday in there- it usually ends up in a mess. So, I've dealt with this time of year by not expecting much. It's worked, ha! I don't expect or plan a ton, and things just sort of fall into place gracefully.
Today was okay. I woke up with a headache. My oldest woke up and started to scream when we didn't give her chocolate after going potty. She continued to scream and wanted "eats" but wouldn't settle for good food. Anyway, my head got worse. I left a little before 11 to get my nails done. Oh my gosh! Luxury I haven't felt in a LONG time! I miss it! It was so theraputic. Here's the clincher though...
So, I'm telling the nail tech about my life, and about me not getting along with my in-laws. Well, I tell her more than a person should know I guess, but I figure- Oh, she's a random person... who cares! Well... the person sitting next to my nail tech was my mother in-law's hair dresser! I came home and told Nathan how I talked about our situation with his parents and money and blah blah and Nathan goes, "What was her name?" and I told him. He goes, "Oh, my Mom gets her hair done by a Suzie that works there."
*jaw drop*
Me: "Seriously?"
Nathan: "Yeah."
Me: "SERIOUSLY?!"
Nathan: "Yeah why?"
Me: "I just told her about our whole situation with your parents, the money, the pre-nup, everything. Suzie was sitting RIGHT next to us and heard the juiciest parts!"
So, small world I guess! I don't really care... it can't get any worse with the in-laws! After that, I took a tylenol with codeine because my headache turned into a migraine. (Thanks gel nail smell!) I felt much better after that. Youngest dear daughter is doing better today, she has been sick, poor girl.
We all decide to take a family bath, since we are all a sick mess. So, oldest dear daughter is enjoying herself playing with bubbles and washing Daddy's hair, and I am filing my nails because I came home and thought they were too long. All of the sudden I hear "Oh. My. God." from Nathan. I look, only to see shards of poop streaming in the water- coming from youngest dear daughter's butt! I immediately got out of the tub and bent over laughing hysterically! I couldn't stop, it was SO funny! Nathan tried to arch out of the water while holding YDD. He was trying to escape getting waterpoop on him. We drained the tub of course.... and then we took showers, with LOTS of soap!
Basically what I got from that little fiasco is that I need to laugh more. I LOVE to laugh, who doesn't?!
::Things that made me happy today::
1. The poopbath
2. Quiet time alone in the car. (That RARELY happens!)
3. Seeing my girls play together, YDD feeling better is definitely a major plus!
4. Retail therapy. Who doesn't love shopping?! Online & in store for today folks!
=)
I'll update again tomorrow!
Today was okay. I woke up with a headache. My oldest woke up and started to scream when we didn't give her chocolate after going potty. She continued to scream and wanted "eats" but wouldn't settle for good food. Anyway, my head got worse. I left a little before 11 to get my nails done. Oh my gosh! Luxury I haven't felt in a LONG time! I miss it! It was so theraputic. Here's the clincher though...
So, I'm telling the nail tech about my life, and about me not getting along with my in-laws. Well, I tell her more than a person should know I guess, but I figure- Oh, she's a random person... who cares! Well... the person sitting next to my nail tech was my mother in-law's hair dresser! I came home and told Nathan how I talked about our situation with his parents and money and blah blah and Nathan goes, "What was her name?" and I told him. He goes, "Oh, my Mom gets her hair done by a Suzie that works there."
*jaw drop*
Me: "Seriously?"
Nathan: "Yeah."
Me: "SERIOUSLY?!"
Nathan: "Yeah why?"
Me: "I just told her about our whole situation with your parents, the money, the pre-nup, everything. Suzie was sitting RIGHT next to us and heard the juiciest parts!"
So, small world I guess! I don't really care... it can't get any worse with the in-laws! After that, I took a tylenol with codeine because my headache turned into a migraine. (Thanks gel nail smell!) I felt much better after that. Youngest dear daughter is doing better today, she has been sick, poor girl.
We all decide to take a family bath, since we are all a sick mess. So, oldest dear daughter is enjoying herself playing with bubbles and washing Daddy's hair, and I am filing my nails because I came home and thought they were too long. All of the sudden I hear "Oh. My. God." from Nathan. I look, only to see shards of poop streaming in the water- coming from youngest dear daughter's butt! I immediately got out of the tub and bent over laughing hysterically! I couldn't stop, it was SO funny! Nathan tried to arch out of the water while holding YDD. He was trying to escape getting waterpoop on him. We drained the tub of course.... and then we took showers, with LOTS of soap!
Basically what I got from that little fiasco is that I need to laugh more. I LOVE to laugh, who doesn't?!
::Things that made me happy today::
1. The poopbath
2. Quiet time alone in the car. (That RARELY happens!)
3. Seeing my girls play together, YDD feeling better is definitely a major plus!
4. Retail therapy. Who doesn't love shopping?! Online & in store for today folks!
=)
I'll update again tomorrow!
Friday, December 12, 2008
SO... This is it!
I am starting this blog because I have been struggling with postpartum depression for about 8 months now. I have tried many things to help. Some have, some haven't, some did for awhile, then stopped working. I realized that if I am going to get better, I have to discuss my emotions. Not only with others, but myself. I need to take time to think about where my emotions are coming from. I need to document how I am feeling, so that I can notice differences in my emotions and life. This is my journey, and I'm going to get through postparum depression damnit! I AM!
Here's a little introduction:
I am 21 years old, I will be 22 in less than 2 weeks. I am married to the most amazing man on this planet, and I truly mean that. I couldn't dream up a more amazing person than my husband. I am so thankful and lucky to be with him, he's my strong half- and I need him to be strong more than ever right now. I have two daughters, the oldest is a little over 2, and the youngest is 10 months. They are the light of my lives, they are the sweetest little girls. We spoil them shitless. They are so so loved, I could just hug them forever, if they'd let me! :)
In the past 3 years, I have (in random order):
quit my job that i loved, am a full time University student, gone on 4 vacations, been pregnant twice, nursed both of my girls, Got engaged, got married (LOTS of wedding drama!), lost my last living grandparent- my Grandpa, got into a minor car accident, moved 2 hours away from my family and friends to be with my husband- then moved again, and again finally into our own house. I used to have a good relationship with my mother and father in-law, however that no longer exists. I have been on more than 5 different medications, and with my first pregnancy I had a toxoplasmosis scare. Everything turned out fine, I was one of the lucky few who gets a false positive. I never had it!
Wow, looking at all of that, in 3 years, it's a lot. It's almost as if I was moving lightning fast speed, and now I am at a sudden hault.
I plan on tracking my journey. The good, the bad, the ugly. I want to be real in this blog. I have another blog where I don't talk about PPD, because there's still such a social stigma to people who are too ignorant to learn and research PPD. People judge, they do... and that is why I do not talk about it on my other blog. Maybe some day I will have the courage, but definitely not today.
Currently, I have seen two counselors for my PPD. They both didn't work out for me. I felt that they both did not understand postpartum depression. We talked more about the situation with my in-laws than we did about making MYSELF feel better. I'm sorry, but my first priority is getting MYSELF to feel better first, because I need to be a good mother, wife, and person before I tackle other people and their issues. I first started seeing my OB for PPD. She put me on Lexapro 10mg. Then I was upped to 20mg. Then, I saw her and was put on wellbutrin 150mg XL, and I got back pain and couldn't sleep at night. She told me to go off of it, so I did. I wasn't even on it two weeks yet. Then, I called a nurse prescriber who is basically a psychiatrist. She told me to go off of the lexapro (COLD TURKEY!) and start Wellbutrin SR 75mg. So, I did. I have sever lexapro withdrawls for over a week. I experienced vertigo, electrical zaps throughout my body, and I was dizzy and out of it. It was terrible, but I stuck through it. It thankfully was gone in less than 2 weeks. The wellbutrin wasn't working all that great, so we increased to Wellbutrin SR 100mg. Well, I was on that for about 3-4 weeks and that was working okay. I decided I was going to increase again, because I wanted to see if I could feel even more better. Well, here I am now on Wellbutrin SR 150mg. It's hard for me to tell how I am feeling. That is why I started this blog, because my memory sucks and I need to keep records and I hope that people will find my blog helpful in one way or another. I hope people can relate to me in some way, so they know they are not the only one going through this terrible thing called PPD. I am also on 5mg ativan for anxiety, as needed. I've only taken it twice so far... it makes me sleepy and somewhat relaxed. I was also prescribed a muscle relaxer for my back, and I have not taken that yet. I'm afraid because I've heard it can make you SO tired in as little as 10 minutes! Oh, I almost forgot I am on tylenol with codeine as well. I take that for my migraines, when I get them. I have struggled with migraines since I was very young.
Feel free to leave me any comments/suggestions or anything you thing I or someone else could benefit from. Please post your blog too... I love reading others!
Most of all right now I need to stay positive. I will get through this. I am a strong person and I do not want this to get in the way of my entire life. I want to conquer it, beat it to hell, and kiss it's ass goodbye!
Thanks for reading!
PPDMommy
Here's a little introduction:
I am 21 years old, I will be 22 in less than 2 weeks. I am married to the most amazing man on this planet, and I truly mean that. I couldn't dream up a more amazing person than my husband. I am so thankful and lucky to be with him, he's my strong half- and I need him to be strong more than ever right now. I have two daughters, the oldest is a little over 2, and the youngest is 10 months. They are the light of my lives, they are the sweetest little girls. We spoil them shitless. They are so so loved, I could just hug them forever, if they'd let me! :)
In the past 3 years, I have (in random order):
quit my job that i loved, am a full time University student, gone on 4 vacations, been pregnant twice, nursed both of my girls, Got engaged, got married (LOTS of wedding drama!), lost my last living grandparent- my Grandpa, got into a minor car accident, moved 2 hours away from my family and friends to be with my husband- then moved again, and again finally into our own house. I used to have a good relationship with my mother and father in-law, however that no longer exists. I have been on more than 5 different medications, and with my first pregnancy I had a toxoplasmosis scare. Everything turned out fine, I was one of the lucky few who gets a false positive. I never had it!
Wow, looking at all of that, in 3 years, it's a lot. It's almost as if I was moving lightning fast speed, and now I am at a sudden hault.
I plan on tracking my journey. The good, the bad, the ugly. I want to be real in this blog. I have another blog where I don't talk about PPD, because there's still such a social stigma to people who are too ignorant to learn and research PPD. People judge, they do... and that is why I do not talk about it on my other blog. Maybe some day I will have the courage, but definitely not today.
Currently, I have seen two counselors for my PPD. They both didn't work out for me. I felt that they both did not understand postpartum depression. We talked more about the situation with my in-laws than we did about making MYSELF feel better. I'm sorry, but my first priority is getting MYSELF to feel better first, because I need to be a good mother, wife, and person before I tackle other people and their issues. I first started seeing my OB for PPD. She put me on Lexapro 10mg. Then I was upped to 20mg. Then, I saw her and was put on wellbutrin 150mg XL, and I got back pain and couldn't sleep at night. She told me to go off of it, so I did. I wasn't even on it two weeks yet. Then, I called a nurse prescriber who is basically a psychiatrist. She told me to go off of the lexapro (COLD TURKEY!) and start Wellbutrin SR 75mg. So, I did. I have sever lexapro withdrawls for over a week. I experienced vertigo, electrical zaps throughout my body, and I was dizzy and out of it. It was terrible, but I stuck through it. It thankfully was gone in less than 2 weeks. The wellbutrin wasn't working all that great, so we increased to Wellbutrin SR 100mg. Well, I was on that for about 3-4 weeks and that was working okay. I decided I was going to increase again, because I wanted to see if I could feel even more better. Well, here I am now on Wellbutrin SR 150mg. It's hard for me to tell how I am feeling. That is why I started this blog, because my memory sucks and I need to keep records and I hope that people will find my blog helpful in one way or another. I hope people can relate to me in some way, so they know they are not the only one going through this terrible thing called PPD. I am also on 5mg ativan for anxiety, as needed. I've only taken it twice so far... it makes me sleepy and somewhat relaxed. I was also prescribed a muscle relaxer for my back, and I have not taken that yet. I'm afraid because I've heard it can make you SO tired in as little as 10 minutes! Oh, I almost forgot I am on tylenol with codeine as well. I take that for my migraines, when I get them. I have struggled with migraines since I was very young.
Feel free to leave me any comments/suggestions or anything you thing I or someone else could benefit from. Please post your blog too... I love reading others!
Most of all right now I need to stay positive. I will get through this. I am a strong person and I do not want this to get in the way of my entire life. I want to conquer it, beat it to hell, and kiss it's ass goodbye!
Thanks for reading!
PPDMommy
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