I Don't Get It

I try to explain things to Nathan, but sometimes he just doesn't get it. Cliche, but men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Men just think differently. I just want to put him inside of my brain and get what I am talking about.

Tonight I told him that what hurts me the most is that he seems to be buddy buddy with his parents. I cannot understand this. (He says he is not.) To me, I see his parents as the 'enemy' for lack of better words. I see him talking & doing things with his parents as betrayal. I don't understand how he can go & do things with them, knowing how horrible they made his wife feel, especially at my all time low with PPD. To me, he is saying that they were right & were okay in saying and doing what they did. He says he doesn't think that it is ok by hanging out with them and talking to them, and he does stick up for me. I never hear him talk to his parents in front of me, so how do I know he is sticking up for me? I am not asking him to stop seeing his parents, but I am asking to hear him stick up for me. Once I hear it, I'll be able to understand it a little more. He says it's awkward talking to his parents in front of me, and vice virsa. I would LOVE to hear him talk to his parents in front of me, maybe I'd be able to understand their relationship more. If I heard N stand up for me, I'd feel SO much better. I told him I can't believe in what I don't hear. Yes, I believe he sticks up for me, but I know how much his parents talk and butt in so that he can't even get a word out. His parents talk and talk and talk and he doesn't even get a chance to talk... let alone defend me.

The only thing that makes sense to me is that:
a) He is not defending me
b) He knows his parents won't let him get a word in, so he doesn't want me to hear them interrupt him 100 times.
c) His parents will say a million mean things about me or him, and he doesn't want me to hear it.

It's past 1 a.m. and I can't sleep. Anyone with a brain knows that is NOT good, especially for PPD. I've had such a shitty day.... I can't stop crying. Bad bad day.

N's Mom told him she could barely sleep. Yeah woman. Play the victim. Try that on top of PPD and then we'll talk. Until then, you got nothin on me.

Goodbye.

Bah Humbug!

Nathan and I were talking yesterday, and one thing really bothered me. His parents are upset that he's doing Christmas with my family. UM, HELLO! They have been nothing but 100% supportive to us through everything. They are jealous because we are doing Christmas with my family! They should be, they screwed up big time!!! They blew their chance at having a family fun filled Christmas. That's what happens when you call your daughter-in-law names and criticize how she does things. She burned a VERY important bridge. Not my fault. This isn't the first time either... Two Christmases ago she freaked out on Nathan and I because she didn't know how to share her son for the holidays. She also has freaked out on Nathan's sisters on different occasions before this. Notice a pattern here... yeah. I do not take that kind of bullshit from people, family or otherwise. I am not the type of person to put myself in a situation where I will get slapped across the face time and time again. No way. Not how I live. I am SO proud of myself for that. I stand up for the way that I should be treated.

More importantly this once again proves my point that they have NOT changed. Number one, because if they knew ANYTHING about postpartum depression, they would know that SUPPORT IS KEY! Surrounding myself with SUPPORTIVE family and friends is what I absolutely have to do to make myself better. Do they not want me better? Do they want me to suffer longer? They feel since they are not able to have a Christmas with the girls, that my parents shouldn't too. Number two, my parents didn't do anything to Nathan or I. They didn't say cruel things to Nathan or I. They didn't criticize Nathan or myself.

What I want more than ever is to have a peaceful (HAHAHAHAHA! Is that possible?!) Christmas. I would LOVE for Nathan to come to my parent's house Christmas Eve night and have him be in a great mood. I don't want his parents to make him feel like crap or feel like a bad son. His Mom once said, "What are your intentions? What can I expect from you?" I can't believe she said that. Nathan is not her servant, he doesn't owe her anything. Of course he loves her! I cannot imagine talking to my children that way. I feel bad for Nathan. N's Mom has had a hard time letting go of her youngest child, Nathan. I wanna be like... cut the cord woman! He's married, he has a family of his own. Priorities change when you are married and have kids of your own.

The counselor that Nathan & I last saw told Nathan that I was full of anger. Yes, I am. And...? I have EVERY right to be! When I was trying to divulge my feelings to Nathan's Mom, she attacked me. Nathan told her to stop, and she didn't. She didn't know when to shut her mouth. She ended up saying VERY hurtful things, attacked my parenting, and basically later on Nathan's Dad and her threatened Nathan with money. I swear she didn't want us to get married. She was like, "Nathan never sees his friends anymore." SERIOUSLY WOMAN?!?!?!?!?! I LIVE TWO HOURS AWAY FROM MY FRIENDS! You are going to say he doesn't see his friends?! Wow. She had NO logic behind that. She was just having vomit of the mouth and spewing whatever she could to get Nathan not to marry me. People have kids, they see their friends less. Hello... that's part of parenting. Nathan NEVER brought it up to me that he didn't get to see his friends enough, and then his Mom says that?! The audacity! Oh- I don't think I mentioned that his Mom accused me of stealing things from her! LOL!!! Nathan TOLD ME to pack up EVERYTHING from the kitchen. (We lived in their guest apartment in their house.) I said, "Are you sure, everything?" and Nathan said, "Yup, that's what she said!" So, naturally, I did was I was told. I packed up everything, then Nathan's Mom leaves him a nice little voicemail saying "*insert my name here* stole my dishes! She also took..." and then listed off some things. I seriously think she is scenial sometimes! She also denied saying things to me at Christmas 2 years ago. She says horribly mean things, then she denies them when she is confronted about them! That's enough to drive a person up the wall.

So I am angry. I have a right to be. I have my good & bad days. Sometimes I am so furious with them because they screwed us over on so many levels. Financially, emotionally, etc. Then, there are days when I think, 'Wow, their loss. Look where they got themselves now. Hope it was worth it. Hope all of that bribing with money, name calling, harsh words, and LYING was worth losing part of their family.'

Is it too much to ask for the holidays to be un-eventful? I have a really bad feeling that Nathan's Mom is going to ruin his Christmas Eve with them... I hope not, for Nathan's sake of course. He doesn't deserve that one bit. He's too sweet, he does not need any more stress. I just have a feeling that since her Christmas isn't going to be how she wants it, that she is going to try & ruin mine... meaning my family's Christmas with Nathan & the girls.

I'm going to talk with N about it now. I want to make sure that we have a GREAT Christmas. I want him to walk into the door & try to leave any baggage behind from his Mom. Once he gets into my parent's house, it's a new Christmas for him. That one will NOT be ruined! I will not let that woman ruin another Christmas. My girls deserve for both of their parents to be 100% during the most fun holiday of the year!

Think Happy Thoughts...

I want to try & be positive as much as possible. With the holidays comes stress, and throw my birthday in there- it usually ends up in a mess. So, I've dealt with this time of year by not expecting much. It's worked, ha! I don't expect or plan a ton, and things just sort of fall into place gracefully.

Today was okay. I woke up with a headache. My oldest woke up and started to scream when we didn't give her chocolate after going potty. She continued to scream and wanted "eats" but wouldn't settle for good food. Anyway, my head got worse. I left a little before 11 to get my nails done. Oh my gosh! Luxury I haven't felt in a LONG time! I miss it! It was so theraputic. Here's the clincher though...

So, I'm telling the nail tech about my life, and about me not getting along with my in-laws. Well, I tell her more than a person should know I guess, but I figure- Oh, she's a random person... who cares! Well... the person sitting next to my nail tech was my mother in-law's hair dresser! I came home and told Nathan how I talked about our situation with his parents and money and blah blah and Nathan goes, "What was her name?" and I told him. He goes, "Oh, my Mom gets her hair done by a Suzie that works there."
*jaw drop*
Me: "Seriously?"
Nathan: "Yeah."
Me: "SERIOUSLY?!"
Nathan: "Yeah why?"
Me: "I just told her about our whole situation with your parents, the money, the pre-nup, everything. Suzie was sitting RIGHT next to us and heard the juiciest parts!"

So, small world I guess! I don't really care... it can't get any worse with the in-laws! After that, I took a tylenol with codeine because my headache turned into a migraine. (Thanks gel nail smell!) I felt much better after that. Youngest dear daughter is doing better today, she has been sick, poor girl.

We all decide to take a family bath, since we are all a sick mess. So, oldest dear daughter is enjoying herself playing with bubbles and washing Daddy's hair, and I am filing my nails because I came home and thought they were too long. All of the sudden I hear "Oh. My. God." from Nathan. I look, only to see shards of poop streaming in the water- coming from youngest dear daughter's butt! I immediately got out of the tub and bent over laughing hysterically! I couldn't stop, it was SO funny! Nathan tried to arch out of the water while holding YDD. He was trying to escape getting waterpoop on him. We drained the tub of course.... and then we took showers, with LOTS of soap!

Basically what I got from that little fiasco is that I need to laugh more. I LOVE to laugh, who doesn't?!

::Things that made me happy today::
1. The poopbath
2. Quiet time alone in the car. (That RARELY happens!)
3. Seeing my girls play together, YDD feeling better is definitely a major plus!
4. Retail therapy. Who doesn't love shopping?! Online & in store for today folks!

=)

I'll update again tomorrow!