Creeping back...

ARG! WHY?!

I was feeling so good at the beginning of this pregnancy, and now my anxiety has taken a toll on me, yet again. I am getting feelings of not being happy again, but I should be! Sure, I'm stressed, what Mom isn't?! I need an easy button or a magic 8 ball to say all of the right things- and mean it!

I feel like I need to take a pill to fix everything, imbalance wise. Something isn't right, I am not myself. I'm not happy, and I can't figure out why. Sure, the situation with N's parents is shitty. His Mom has written a couple more emails to me & him and blamed him for this situation, and keeps saying "it needs to be put in the past". No lady. You don't just START trusting someone right away again, trust is earned, rightfully so. Not to mention, she has fucked up WAY too many times to have this blow over this easily. I've been doing well with this situation. It helps that she keeps fucking up, it gives me a reason and right to say, "Told ya so!". She still can respect boundaries and is still emailing her daughters about the situation, which is against the counseling rules that N and his parents set up with the counselor. It blows my mind how stupid a person can be in the sense of people skills. I've been doing very well with that situation though, I roll things of my back and let her do her nasty work because she keeps kicking herself down and I am not even doing ANYTHING. It's comical really...

Anyway, my anxiety is high. Why?! I have no idea! I meet new people and I FREAK out. I used to be SO outgoing and not shy, and how the hell have I become this?! I am shy and shaky and not sure of myself. My confidence is low. Sure I have my bursts of good confident days, but I don't know what to do.

I don't want to just take pills while pregnant, I feel GUILTY about that! I am trying to get through this and hope it's hormones, but I just don't even know anymore. Hormones from the pregnancy or PPD or anxiety or stress or ______? It's a catch 22. If I take pills that a doctor okays me to take while pregnant, I feel guilty. If I don't take them, I feel like shit/anxious and I don't know what the right choice is. I don't know what to do. Could this be prenatal depression?! God, I hope not. This is our last baby and damnit I want to be happy. I AM happy but something in me is holding me back from myself. It's like my happiness is candy dangled in front of my nose, just teasing me and reminding me of what it used to be like as my happy good old self.

I don't know what to do... and that is the worst part of it all.... I don't even have confidence in my decision, if I even come to one.

I AM PREGNANT!

BIG new of course!

I am pregnant! Almost 6 weeks! I was shocked.

I hadn't had a migraine in 2 weeks which was weird. My boobs felt a little more sensitive than normal when S was breastfeeding, so I took a test. I was expecting just a test line. Woooooop I wash my hands, then there's a faint line. The bathroom light was off so I turn it on and my heart was racing. I was tricking myself to think that I was seeing an imaginary second line. Ohh no. That was most definitely NOT my imagination! There was a faint pregnant line. I was 4 weeks at the time of the pregnancy test.

So, I was on medication. Effexor XL 75mg. I was scared. Antidepressants while pregnant? No way, not for me. I want to do this PILL FREE. Of course it's not for everyone, but I really feel better knowing I am not putting substances into my body than worrying sick about my unborn baby while taking medications. The same day I took the pregnancy test I had an appointment with my therapist. She said congrats and we talked about a game plan. I am so happy that we figured everything out, what to do, how to do it, when to do it. It's all in place if I need it. Support, yes! The next day I called my OB and said I want to get off the effexor. They wrote me a RX to start my wean. 7 days ofo 37.5mg Effexor XL.

Fast forward to today. I am on day 2 of taking NO effexor. I am doing great! MINOR vertigo, that's all! I am so so happy. I read nightmare stories about weaning off of effexor. I am very fortunate that I am doing so well. I hope I am not jinxing myself and I continue to have an easy time off of the medication.

I am so happy, our babies will all be close in age. This is great, we wanted 3 kids and always wanted them to be close in age. We planned on trying for another baby in October 2009, when I was off of my medication, but I guess life has different plans for us. This will be my last pregnancy and I am trying to make the most of it. I am very happy, excited, thrilled! I can't wait to paint the nursery and buy baby room decor. I have so many images of baby rooms in my head, I want to apply them to our walls! I just need to know if this little munchkin is a boy or a girl first though. =D

School is almost done. YES.

I've been so busy lately, but things have been great. I am so happy right now, and so happy that I am happy! What a rush, what a feeling!

Long Awaited Update!

It's been a VERY long time since I last updated. I am extremely proud to say I am doing very very very well!

Things with the in-laws have calmed down. They've backed off, and I am SO happy they did. I can actually wake up feeling fresh, awake, happy, and excited to start my new day without anxiety.

I've been on Effexor 75 mg. for a bit now. I LOVE it. I was nervous to try it, but I am so grateful that I did. What an amazing antidepressant, lol! My anxiety is so much better, I am so happy. I have motivation, I am excited, I do things alone, I am myself again. What an amazing place I am at right now! I am so proud of myself, and it has taken me so much time to say that, and I am SO damn proud!!! I feel like I've climbed a mountain and I should yell, "I DID IT WORLD, I FOUGHT MY PPD! I WON MY BATTLE!!!"

I had an appointment today with my nurse prescriber. She said since the 75 mg. is working so well for me, there's no need to increase. I am happy about that, and I am happy that I am able to get out and do things and not worry or think that everyone is looking at me and critisizing me. I feel free. I feel like I can finally spread my wings and fly... what a feeling!

My PPD counselor is amazing. I have an amazing support staff working on me, I am lucky that I found such a great therapist. She's helping me set up my very own support system of friends, particularly Moms, and young Moms, that I can relate to. I am so excited to meet new Moms to make friends with.

That's all for now, I guess! There's not much going on. I am very busy with the kids & school, and my life is pretty drama free right now and I am extremely happy about that. I've been exercising and doing fun things like playing outside with the kids, planting flowers, etc. and it's great. I love it. I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee it!

Good & Bad, and 3 Letdowns this week

The situation with N's parents has calmed down. He talked to them. No court. They wouldn't have won anyway because they don't have any rights, ha! Anyway- glad this situation is finally (hopefully!) at a standstill as of now, and they agreed to leave me alone.

I've been feeling weird lately. My meds were upped not this last Tuesday, but the one before that to 300mg Wellbutrin SR. I think it may be too much for me. I feel... bad. I kind of feel like I did before when I was on the lexapro & it stopped working. I have VERY low energy, I am exhausted, I have no appetite. It gets to the point where I forget to eat, and I get dizzy, lightheaded, and see spots, aka almost pass out. I literally forget to eat. NOTHING sounds good to eat except maybe a salad. We are out of lettuce & we have no spinach. I forced myself to eat today. I had a nutrigrain bar and a piece of caramel chocolate (SO healthy!), and some almonds and strawberries. I've been craving nuts lately. (Ha, ha!) I called my nurse psychiatrist and she said to call her tomorrow and let her know how I feel. I seriously do not want to eat... I am nautious when I don't eat, and nautious when I do eat, I can't win!

Another reason why I may be feeling shitting is because I was SO excited for my 1st physical therapy appointment, so I left, took the wrong freeway first of all, then put it into the GPS & then I ended up at someone's house. Yeah. So I called & I appologized and said there's no way I'd make it anytime soon and blah blah. I felt like shit, I started crying. I was SO excited to get my back feeling better, and I missed the appointment. It was my fault, so of course I beat myself up over it. So I got stressed, which of course led to more back pain, which made me beat myself up even more about missing the appointment, which.... on & on & on.

Car shopping. We were 95% sure we were buying a car. That fell thgough. The dealership was lying and at the last minute told us. We were pissed and I was sad. =( I just want this car shopping crap to be over with already. It's wearing me down, I'm so sick of it.

My parents. They were supposed to come up tonight to visit us & stay until Sunday. My Dad was going to help N fix our dryer since it's being crazy. (Another let down, I forgot that one!) Today I called my Mom, then she called me back later and was crying. I knew something was wrong obviously... their dog had another grand mal seizure. I feel so bad for the poor dog, he's been seen by the vet at least 10 times lately, and the poor guy is still having them. His liver levels are elevated. Something is wrong with his heart, so they cannot, well do not want to, operate. They are not sure what is causing the seizures. It could be MVD, a tumor, so many different things. I feel really bad and selfish for thinking this way, but I really wish my parents could come up here. I really need them right now. I don't think they know how stressed I am right now. I like to internalize that, and not burden everyone else with my stresses. They said they might come up tomorrow but I'm doubting it. I don't want to have yet another let down. I was really excited to shop with my Mom for stuff for DD's birthday party. I don't even want to shower today... but I am going to force myself to because I know I will feel better. I think I'm going to force myself to go to the store too, we'll see. I NEED to get out of the house. I hate winter, in the spring I would be walking and have the girls in the stroller around the block right now. I love the sun and fresh air and smell of freshly cut grass.

You know, insurances should cover weekend vacations once a year. It would reduce stress, aka reduce the money they spend on pills, doctor visits, heart attacks from stress, back pain, etc. etc. etc. I can dream, right?!

Ahhh deep breath! I want to go somewhere with the girls tomorrow. I NEED to get out of here and do something fun!!!


I've been freaking out about YDD's birthday too. She's going to be ONE. ONE!!! MY BABY IS GOING TO BE ONE!!!!!! Where the hell did time go? Last night I stayed up and cried... I was sad I'm not over PPD by now, and I was sad my baby is getting older. I watched her birth video and cried. It made me feel better to re-live those amazing moments with my tiny little angel. It seems like just yesterday I had her. I don't want her to grow up & get bigger, I want her to stay my tiny little peanut so I can soak in every moment. I have this mindset that I need to remember EVERYTHING and if I don't I'm going to freak out. I worry that I haven't taken enough videos or pictures of the girls, or that I may forget important moments with them. I just feel like time is flying by me and I want to scream STOP! so I can take everything in.

On top of this, recently I've been kind of upset that my friends haven't reached out to me more. Call me, email me, ask how I am doing. Ask how I am feeling. CALL, even if I don't answer leave a message saying you're wondering how I am or anything! I just feel like sometimes no one cares or wants to know.

I hate when I have days like this and just cry. This is the first time in a long time that I've felt this way. I thought I was getting better, why do I feel like this? I hate bumps in the road, but no matter what in life there will be some.

ODD just came & asked if I was sad because I am crying. She gives me a big hug & says, "It's okay Mommy. It's okay. It's okay." and just hugged me. After we were done hugging she looks at me & says, "Not sad!?" with a smile on her face. I nodded and smiled. If only a hug and kiss could heal everything. I wish I had that innocent child mindset sometimes. I would LOVE for a kiss & a hug to fix what I am going through. I told her how much I lover her, she's such a sweetheart. I wish she didn't have to see me cry.

Message to a friend...

This is an email I wrote to one of my "friends" online. She's just like me. If we lived in the same town, we'd be best friends for sure. I was explaining to her how I felt when I first had PPD. I didn't want to think that I could have it. I didn't want to think I DID have it. I wanted it to go away... anyway here is the letter, I've come a long way since then. It's kind of a breath of fresh air to read this letter & then think of where I am now in my treatment. Things DID get better when I thought they wouldn't! I now DO have hope that this WILL go away! I have control over my emotions, and I AM getting through this PPD!

About the PPD, after I had K I had no PPD. After Sophie I was feeling sad because my family was 2 hours away, and I would cry in the shower a lot, sometimes I would go in the shower just so that I could cry without anyone seeing me! I thought it would pass, my Mom spent 2 weeks with me when Sophie was born which was great, I loved it. I got emotional when she left and I thought it would pass, but it didn't. I was SO happy with Sophie and adored her to pieces, I couldn't get enough of her! I would just watch her sleep and take hundreds of pictures of her, even when she was doing nothing lol (normal mom, right?!). I was just really sad, and I didn't know why. We live in a great house, we had tons of family support, we weren't having money problems, Nathan was helping out a ton, seriously nothing was wrong for me to be sad, that's when I knew it was PPD. I had NO reason to be sad, but I was and it was consistent. I didn't call my doctor until about May 08, and Sophie was born in Feb. 08, so about 3 months after having her. I didn't tell Nathan until then, I didn't want him to think he did anything wrong or I wasn't happy with him or something. He had no idea anything was wrong because I hid it so well. (Another thing with many Moms with PPD is that oftentimes they look very polished on the outside. Hair done, makeup, etc. They want to make it look like everything is okay. That was exactly me!) Nathan researched PPD and got a book called "The Postpartum Husband" and it was GREAT! It was written for a man, it says what their partner with PPD is feeling, how they can help, what they might be feeling, and how to deal with it and make things better. I also didn't want to burden anyone with my feelings. I felt like I was a huge inconvenience to people for some odd reason. I didn't call my friends as much either. I felt REALLY guilty if I left Sophie to go out with my friends or grocery shopping... anything! Just leaving her for any amount of time I felt guilty for it. I constantly worried about being a good Mom. I constantly was trying to be super mom, and in my head I was thinking that a super perfect mom/wife/friend/daughter/sister/etc. was possible, and I was constantly beating myself up for not being 'perfect' enough. I never wanted to think that I would have PPD, I think I was in denial for awhile. I was passing it off as baby blues and I was waiting for it to pass, but then I realized it wasn't. It took SO much courage to call my OB (hardest call/conversation I've ever had!), my heart was beating so fast & I ended up crying on the phone to the nurse. She got me an appointment the same day I called. I walked in and when the nurse called my name to go in the room I started BALLING my eyes out! I was SO embarrassed for having PPD. They assured me it was nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. My OB was SO SO nice, she sat with me for a long time & asked how I was feeling, if I felt like hurting myself or baby, and I never had those thoughts thank god! If anything I think I was super attached to Sophie, I was always holding her or taking pics of her or playing with her & Kaelei, and if I wasn't I felt like I was being a bad Mom. I felt like I didn't deserve to go out with my friends, I thought that if I did I was being a "bad" Mom. My OB told me "You don't run a car on empty, and you do NOT run a Mom on empty!" and those words obviously stuck with me. I wasn't taking time for myself so I was extremely overwhelmed and never really got a break. I had Nathan to help and he helps a TON, but my guilt was holding me back from 'recharging' myself. I didn't nap or take ME time. My OB said that I needed to take time to myself everyday, she said start with 15 minutes. She said relax, do what relaxes me, read a book or magazine, exercise, nap, yoga, whatever. I started doing that and felt much better. At first I felt guilty for taking ME time, Nathan had to force me to take my ME time lol! Then I felt better, even that little time to myself made me happy and gave me a sense of my old self, happy and lively and fun and outgoing. I learned to not feel guilty taking time to myself, and when I went out with friends I felt so much better coming home to the girls, I was refreshed and ready to hug and kiss and cuddle them the rest of the day. I think at times I felt like I lost myself, and taking time for myself really made me feel like myself again. I got in touch with things I used to do, read a lot, scrapbooked which I had been putting off, oops! You know kids grow up SO fast, and I felt guilty missing a minute of their life. I felt like I had to be with them 24/7 because I didn't want to miss ANYTHING, and that was overwhelming! Oh I had SUCH a lack of motivation too. I was putting off assignments until the last minute which is not like me, I love doing my assignments early and getting ahead. I also felt very anxious when Nathan wasn't home with me. I wanted to be with him ALL the time. I felt SO much better when Nathan was around me. I guess that's very common with PPD too, never wanting to be alone. I kind of felt like he was my good half, he was my strength and courage and I needed him around me all the time to feel good. I felt like everything in my life was near perfect, EXCEPT my PPD which came out of nowhere! My OB put me on lexapro and that helped a ton! It stopped working for me though (I guess it's common with lexapro) and she switched me to Wellbutrin. They both were safe for nursing, that was my huge concern. I was NOT going to give up nursing, because that made me feel like a great Mom even when I felt down on myself. Right now I'm seeing a PPD counselor and she is wonderful! She had PPD with her last child, and she knows the feelings. I had 2 counselors before her, and they did not know anything about PPD, it was like talking to a brick wall- it was terrible! PPD is frustrating to me, because I don't know why I have it. Many women who have had difficult pregnancies, or miscarriages, or no support etc. have a higher chance of having PPD, so I didn't get why I had it. Kaelei's pregnancy was harder than Sophie's, and I didn't have PPD after Kaelei. I was trying to figure out why I had it, and my OB said some women get it, some don't. There may not be a real reason. I was driving myself nuts thinking of something that would have made me get PPD, but I was just one of the lucky (HA!) ones lol. I guess it's estimated that about 20% of Moms have PPD, I was shocked it was that high! I wish more people would talk about it because I feel so alone. So many Moms feel alone & don't talk about it because they're afraid people will think they are crazy. I don't tell people I have it! Only my immediate family & Nathan's Mom, Dad, and sisters know. I think of the whole Tom Cruise thing... it's like, Tom did you birth a baby and have your hormones go from high to low in a matter of days? Didn't think so. Don't talk like you know what's best for a woman's body! lol! I read Brooke Shield's book "Down Came the Rain" and it's really good. She had PPD pretty bad though. I don't know anyone that feels exactly the way I do except my PPD counselor.

From writing all of that, I've come a long way though, that's a good thing! I don't cry for no reason anymore, I'm happy, call my friends, talk in depth to Nathan, I take time for myself, I don't feel guilty now, things are MUCH better. I'm so glad I got help, I'm sure I would have been extremely sad and depressed if I didn't get help. Thanks for listening to me! It's so awkward to ask people about PPD! I don't know anyone in person besides my counselor who had it. I'm working on getting a support system here for me since my family is 2 hours away. My counselor is helping with that. I want to find a group of young moms that I can relate to around me! Hopefully I will soon.

Okay sorry I wrote a book, and it's probably all over the place, lol! Thanks for listening.

How am I so calm through all of this?!

I'm surprised at how I am handling this situation. It's been very hard to let someone beat me up emotionally, and not to snap or yell back. I like to think of it as me taking the high road instead of stooping to her level and saying crap back. It's hard though, I would love to give her a piece of my mind, but I am not going to.

I am seriously thinking about a restraining order. This is affecting my physical and emotional health and that is the last thing I need right now with my PPD. She is harassing me through emailing though, I'm not sure if that is enough to get a restraining order. What if I have my doctor testify that this is in fact harming my health and she does need to stop? If a doctor testifies that the emails are harmful to my health, is there a chance for a restraining order? I need to find that out. I called the police department today, and she said that an officer would come to the house and take a report. I asked if it was possible to do that tomorrow and she said yes, at your convienence. I just don't want to deal with all of this if a restraining order isn't even possible.

I've been taking tylenol with codeine and my lorazepam. I have been shaky and seriously my stomach has been so upset that I have been in the bathroom a LOT if you know what I mean. I feel like I am going to puke constantly. I don't want to eat either.

It's amazing how someone's words can affect a person so much. Some people can be so cruel...

Listen Up, Bitch!

I am so fucking sick of my MIL. Can I call her Fucking-Bitch-in-law? She has been sending emails non stop. I have asked her to stop, N has told her she needs to stop, and she continues to send. I have received over 10 emails since I told her to stop emailing me. Yes, I counted the emails, I am not exaggerating. I got tired of going through my email and counting them when I hit the 10th email so I stopped.

I seriously am so emotionally worn out from her. She has been constantly verbally attacking me, calling me names, and saying untrue things about me to N and his sisters and N's Dad. N has been defending me and knows she is flat out lying. N's sisters and I still hang out, so obviously they don't hate me. It's frustrating to me. I was talking to N tonight about his Mom, and I said, "Your Mom is doing everything that my doctors and counselors said people around me should NOT do!" and he agreed. My counselors said that I need to create a support system around me, and she most definitely is not one micro-source of support. It's really sad that she has come the this. She's like a child. She is very dramatic, throwing herself against the wall, falling to the floor, then running into the woods. Please woman. I hope a wolf finds you! (bahahaha!) She tries to get her way. If one way doesn't work, she tries another. N's sister's fiance said that she's kind of like his dog. (LMAO!!!) He said she's like a dog (HAHAHA, sorry inappropriate!) in the sense that a dog will try to bark loud to get attention, then whine, then bark softly, then cry, then get an angry bark, then start all over again. DING DING DING he gets a prize! I am SO glad I am not the only one here seeing MIL's true colors. EVERYONE in the family knows that she throws hissy fits. If she doesn't get her way she will SNAP! FIL has even said this himself!

One of the biggest things that pissed me the hell off is that in an email to Nathan she said:
"There is help here a phone call away. Any assistance necessary. N you need the love and support of your family. You are entitled to that. It is wrong that PPDMommy's unfounded fears has made that impossible."

EXCUSE ME you fucking cunt! GET A FUCKING CLUE! YOUR SON THINKS YOU NEED HELP, THAT IS WHY HE IS NOT TALKING TO YOU!!! She thinks I have his balls in a fucking chain or something?! WOW. She's such a fucking bitch. She LOVES to play the victim. N is not calling his mother because she has attacked him, made him feel like shit, among other things. N DOES NOT WANT TO TALK TO HIS MOTHER. I wish SHE would realize that.

Some fucking Moms need to cut the FUCKING CORD!!!!!!!
She STILL can't get over the fact that N is married with a family OF HIS OWN.

Wow. If she keeps emailing me I AM getting a restraining order. This women is a fucking psychopath and a half!

Vent over. I've been up all night... literally almost 24 hours now. Nice. Thank you Bitch-in-Law for fucking up my day you fucking diseased wench!

Monday's Appointment

I have so many appointments lately, it's been busy! My back pain is becoming unbearable. It's seriously taking over my life in a sense. I cannot do anything comfortably. I cannot hold S without twitching like crazy and bending, and then I have to put her down. My little S is a Mama's girl! If I am in the room with her, she HAS to be held by me... it's sweet, but at the same time I don't get much done. So, I finally got up the courage to call a physical therapist. (With my anxiety, calling people I do not know is a huge step for me...) I have an appointment next Tuesday with a physical therapist. That's great, BUT I had to cancel my appointment with my counselor that I 'love'. My next appointment with my counselor is in February. A long time away, but I'll be alright. I finally have control over my sadness, I don't cry for no reason anymore and I do not take things to heart like I used to.

My appointment on Monday was with my nurse prescriber, aka psychologist. We upped my dose, now I am on 300mg Wellbutrin SR. I told her I feel MUCH better, but I still have a lack of motivation which I want to be back. I LOVE staying busy, I really do. It gives me something to look forward to. She wants me to call her in a week to tell her how I am doing, and my next appointment with her is in about a month, or sooner if my meds aren't agreeing with my body.

I am SO excited to start physical therapy. At the same time, I'm nervous because I don't want them to just teach me stretches. I hate that! Yes, I stretch at home now, and obviously it's not working. 2 Tylenol with codeines don't even take the pain away, and that stuff usually works for EVERY pain in my body! I've never had such terrible back pain in my life, it's really frusterating. I hope the PT does ultrasonic therapy on my back, I know that helps! I have electrodes that DH and I bought this summer, but that isn't helping either.

Did I mention my car took a shit? Yes, it's not working anymore. =( Guess what I'll bitch about next.... YES, you are probably right! N's parents. Now I can bring up:

1) If we knew they were going back on their word to N about the money, we would not have bought such a big house. N specifically asked his parents if they were going to continue their gifting money and they said YES.
2) If we knew they'd go back on their word, we would not have had such a big wedding. I would have had N chop half of his family off our list, since it was mainly a rabbit fest of his family anyway...
3) If we knew they'd go back on their word (aka LIE), we would not be this stressed. That's the biggest one.

I feel so bad for N, he's SO stressed about money. Now on top of everything else, we have to buy a new car. I thought it would last at least until May, but then again what the hell do I know about cars? Nada. The other issue is that N's vehicle is leased through work, and we have a limit of 45,000 miles. We are at 43,000 right now, until May. So, yes, we are stressed with the car stuff. It's just another thing that makes the situation with his parents come up again. They don't even realize what they are doing to N. They have NO idea how stressed he is because of this shit. They basically shit money, they don't know how hard it is for N right now. He's the sole income in our house, and it doesn't make sense for me to work, we'd have to pay day care costs which would be more or equal to what I'd make. On top of all of that, I am going to college, and that's a HUGE priority for me. N got to finish his college degree and I deserve to finish mine. If there's one thing to be selfish about, I think it's my education. If something ever happened to N, I'd have my degree as a back up. I hate even saying 'if something happens to N" because I don't ever want to think something would happen to him. One good thing is that he has life insurance, so at least right away we wouldn't be fucked in the asshole with bills and a mortgage payment. But away from those sad scenarios, if N ever got hurt where he couldn't work, I need to be able to bring money in. I've ALWAYS wanted to get my degree, and I am working SO hard for it. I'm not going to stop midway now. I believe that just because you are a young Mom, that doesn't mean you shouldn't get an education. (IF that's what you wanted to do before kids. If not, that's great! Your choice.) So, school is another cost. I remember when N's Mom would say to me "We are going to get you through college, we will help you." HAAAA! Right. I cannot believe a word that comes out of their mouths. The most important things that they've said to N & I, they went back on. WTF does that say about them?!

I feel like I always complain about them & the situation. I do, because the more I talk about it here & get my feelings out, the less I talk about it with N. I know N can't do anything about it, so I hate to keep bringing it up. I do need a place to vent my feelings about that though so I can clear my mind once I type everything out. It's refreshing. Speaking about refreshing, I LOVE chilled diet Mt. Dew. YUM! Speaking of diet, I am going on a diet. Well not really a diet diet, but I was eating a lot of chocolate before, and I'm going to watch what I eat. I was 111 pounds and I've gained a little bit. I wanna get back down though... I have more confidence when my weight is down.

Baby talk! N and I of course want a 3rd baby, but not soon. Maybe in about 2 years, that would be perfect. I'd be getting my degree, and S will be 3, and they will have good spacing between them. I can't wait to paint a nursery, lol! I LOVE decorating kid's rooms. I'd love to be a baby room designer, that'd be such an amazing, exciting, great job! New designs all the time, something new all the time- it'd be great. For now I guess I have to stick to my own house to decorate. Wait, we have no money for decorating... Scratch that. =\

My New PPD Counselor!

I am SOOOO happy that I finally found a counselor that is right for me. I went for my first appointment yesterday, and I can already tell she's going to be perfect for me. She has 4 kids, and she has had PPD. She knows what it is like, she has experienced it first hand. I NEEDED someone who could say "I get it, I get what you are going through" and it just feels so great! When I left there I felt so refreshed. All of the other counselors that I went to I felt like crap when I left.

Here's the funny part, she lives in the subdivision across from my mother in law & father in law!!! She knows which house is theirs! So it's funny, she's going to drive past their house knowing what is going on in their lives and all of the drama. Kinda funny.

Gotta go right now and make some food for my oldest princess, but I'll come back and write more!

Hello, 2009!

I feel like I have a fresh start with the New Year. I'm feeling better with my PPD, yay! It's been SO long since I have been able to say that! Now, hopefully those feelings will stay positive.

I got my period. Great. I haven't had it in about 2 years, and I finally got it. Damn thing had me craving chocolate like it was going extinct! I'm pretty sure my hormones are working wonders, and that is why I got my period of course, but I think that is also why I am feeling better. Now, onto better and bigger things...

New Years Resolutions:

1. Beat my battle against PPD and be free of anti-depressant medications. Hard, yes. Do-able? Yes!
2. Eat healthier (starting in February once I digest all the chocolate in my house.)
3. Spend less time on the damn internet.
4. Be more creative during play time with my girls.
5. Make new friends IN PERSON. I hardly get out... so it's hard!
6. Plan more alone time for Nathan & I.
7. Plan/Go on a vacation.
8. Volunteer somewhere.
9. Buy less crap from Target. Seriousssslllllyyyyyy.
10. Get straight A's... 4.0!

That's a nice list with a variety of things that I know I can accomplish if I put my mind to it. Now... I gotta put my mind to it..!

Nathan & I rang in the New Year with our girls. We stayed home, watched the ball drop, he drank champagne, I drank sparkling grape juice because I pretty much hate alcohol. We drank from our wedding flutes, it was great! I loved it! I fell asleep on the couch with N downstairs and I guess he tried to wake me up but I was like a bear waking from hibernation wanting food... aka don't fucking wake me up when I'm sleeping. =) I love him!


I'm kinda freaking out that my little princess is almost 1! It seems like I just had her yesterday.... I think I'm in denial. My baby isn't 11 months old. No. No. NO! ='(